Need help with health and lifestyle intervention for my 70 y.o. mother

[shyhelpless]

My mom’s lifetime of unhealthy eating and lifestyle behaviors has really started to catch up to her over the past few years where if she doesn’t change anything I’m afraid she only has a few more years left. She was just in the ER for a blood clot in her liver and the doctor said it was related to her fatty liver. She’s now on pain medication and blood thinners. She also has diverticulosis and problems with one of her hips. She’s ~5’4’’, 200 lbs, and almost completely sedentary. Both my brother and I live across the country so it’s hard to see first hand how bad her diet is but I assume it’s your standard American diet.

I’ve tried for years to try to get her to adopt a healthier lifestyle and I feel like this latest health emergency is my last shot at an intervention. I just have no idea where to start and how to get through to someone like her. I’ve tried recommending all of the lifestyle behaviors that I follow and that clearly hasn’t resonated with her.

 

[dawn16]

@shyhelpless It’s hard to get people to change stuff like that especially when they are that old

She’s gotta want it herself sadly or it won’t happen

 

[williejdyson]

@shyhelpless

Both my brother and I live across the country so it’s hard to see first hand how bad her diet is but I assume it’s your standard American diet.

I'm going to throw this on you. I agree with /@colouredcoat , it's hard at that age, they have to want to. You and your brother live across the country. You can say you will miss her, but to her eyes, she doesn't see you anyway. So what is she hanging around for?

If you don't know what she is eating, what is she doing? What are her interests? What would motivate her to take care of herself to live longer? If you don't know the answer to any of these, you can't do much.

I could be off-base, but many mothers of that age are similar. I lived a thousand miles from mine. She embroidered a sampler for my wall and made sure I hung it that said "Call your Mother, she worries." I'm not trying to guilt you at all, but explain from my experience with a 72 y.o. mother. After my father passed, she simply stopped eating and died.

 

[dawn16]

@williejdyson You’re on point sir

 

[dawn16]

@shyhelpless I can only think of three things.

I would lead with your feeling, rather than sharing tips. You could share why you're worried, and what losing her or having her be unwell would mean for you. I think that potentially has more cut-through that just sharing lifestyle advice - which comes at us from all angles all the time.

Secondly, perhaps she feels overwhelmed by the challenge of changing her lifestyle and shuts down. Emphasise how even a small change to her routine or diet might help a bit.

Lastly, it' as @colouredcoat says - you have to accept that she is an autonomous adult and will make her own choices. It's a brutal fact of life that we can't stopped loved ones from making bad choices that harm themselves.

 

[joseymiller]

@shyhelpless My father was having mild chest pain for 2-3 days and refused his wife’s pleas to go to the hospital. Finally, she threatened to have me intervene if he didn’t go to the ER, so he went. They did heart cath and discovered 99% blockage at the widow maker artery. In other words, he was right at death’s door. They placed a stent and determined he didn’t suffer significant damage. I’m hoping that this brush with death will encourage him to take the recommended meds, but he has to make the choice to do so, and so must your mom. Hopefully it doesn’t take a massive heart attack to make her change her ways, because she may not be as lucky as my father.

 

[anthlee]

@shyhelpless My dad and grandma passed away last year, both lived with my mom. It’s been incredibly difficult for all of us, especially mom. She developed eye issues as well as what may have been diverticulitis. It’s now passed but I’m always scared for the next health issue which is inevitable for a 73 year old.

She is, however, not overweight, Vietnamese (so food is generally healthy, lots of fresh veg and seafood), and overall healthy. But she doesn’t exercise regularly. She has a treadmill and some ultra light barbells which I constantly remind her to use and she claims she does. But I’m sure not often enough. I’ve also left my two little dogs with her since dad and grandma passed, and the youngest actually sleeps with her, which is a great help. They also keep her busy since they love to play, so she is at least not completely sedentary. Not sure if my mental health has improved tho, since I don’t have my pups lol. But I have ramped up my exercise by a lot.

I live and work a mile away so it’s easy for me to constantly check in on her. However, that’s made things very stressful for me, tho I can imagine if I were far away, that may cause even more stress.

With you and your brother being so far away, I don’t know how you could really help. Does she have other friends or relatives nearby? Trying to change on your own at that age may be near impossible.

I am now considering getting her a sit down stationary exercise bike with the arm pulls, for an easy full body workout. Thinking of ways to make it simple and easy for her to exercise more.

 

[codyboy]

@shyhelpless I feel ya. My mother is 77, smokes (with oxygen!), COPD, obese, homebound, and does very little physically. But really, at this point, she can't do much do to lack of oxygenated blood. What just kills me is that we come from strong peasant stock, and other than the issues due to smoking and weight, she'd be pretty damn healthy.

There is NOTHING you can do. It is incredibly painful, but people won't change unless they want to. And by the time they hit their 70s, if they didn't want to before, they aren't going to have any 'come to Jesus ' moments.

It is agonizing, but all you can do is love them. Nagging or interventions won't help.

Listen - we all have bad habits, or sub-optimal ones if nothing else. Would you make a significant change because someone asked you to, even if it made sense? Probably not. As we get older, some people don't see it being worth the effort either.

You have my sympathies.

 

[echopark]

@shyhelpless Currently going through this with my parents. Neither of them prioritized health and fitness, and now in their early 70s, it's catching up with them.

My approach was to sign them up for a lot of different fitness classes/hobbies, just 1-2 classes as an intro, to see what they would like. It's hard for people to go outside their comfort zones, especially retired people who get in their daily routines, so I signed up with them for a little extra security. And, to drag them out the door when they came up with a million excuses for why they "couldn't possibly go" once the time came. (They did do physicals with their doctors first to make sure they were cleared for activities).

We tried two activities a week for a month. We did two different kinds of yoga, Pilates (mat and reformer), archery, axe throwing, personal training at a gym and a boutique studio, dance classes for my mom, and I forget what else. By the end, my mom liked Pilates the most and my dad liked the personal training strength training sessions, so now they do those twice a week. And the effect is starting to snowball into other areas of their lives. They're more focused on diet and walking more often at home to "get in shape" for their respective sessions. It's given them goals to work towards.

And, after all the initial resistance, they admitted to me (separately) that they were mostly worried about potential for injuries or limitations on doing the actual activities. Of course neither of them voiced these concerns to me at the start, but it's why I booked them in for physicals and spoke to all the respective trainers at the classes to make sure the classes could be geared to my parents' abilities.

So maybe trying to focus on finding a fun activity that your mom would like? And then trying to clear any potential obstacles that might be preventing her from doing so (real as in health-related ones and more abstract ones like fear of potential injuries or being too scared to try something). It'll be harder with living further away but maybe there's a friend she has or another relative that could help you out?