@twallacejolly Congrats!! I love this so so much. This is incredible and thank you for sharing this.
Your body is someone else’s goal
- Thread starter twallacejolly
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- female fitness
@twallacejolly This might be a little off subject and if it's not appropriate I'll delete it, but I know my body is someone else's goal body and that's the exact reason I hide it.
I have anorexia, and I hate the idea that my body could inspire anyone to want to do the things I've done to it. If I'm at the gym, it's because I'm trying to regain my appetite, build muscle, and be genuinely healthy (as opposed to the facade of health). I'd hate to feel responsible for my body causing someone's relapse or descent into an eating disorder, or for someone to feel like I look the way I do because of my workouts. What I am is not healthy, attractive, or sane lol and even though I want the chance to experience my body in new and powerful ways like the OP, it feels irresponsible or like I don't deserve to take that risk.
I have anorexia, and I hate the idea that my body could inspire anyone to want to do the things I've done to it. If I'm at the gym, it's because I'm trying to regain my appetite, build muscle, and be genuinely healthy (as opposed to the facade of health). I'd hate to feel responsible for my body causing someone's relapse or descent into an eating disorder, or for someone to feel like I look the way I do because of my workouts. What I am is not healthy, attractive, or sane lol and even though I want the chance to experience my body in new and powerful ways like the OP, it feels irresponsible or like I don't deserve to take that risk.
thebadcatholic
New member
@thebadcatholic Thank you so much, stranger! I'm trying, and the gym helps. All the lovely replies from everyone have helped me feel that I don't need to be ashamed to use that resource.
mountainpine
New member
@dem4 This. I’m a recovering Anorexic. I’ve been in and out of recovery for about 20 years. I don’t wish that torture on my worst enemy. Strength training saved my life a couple of years ago and if you had met me a couple of years ago, you’d understand why I didn’t want anyone to envy my sagging skin hanging off my bones and I’d most likely be the one pushing myself beyond my limits because I thought I was fat 
@mountainpine Completely relate! I've been in recovery for a good while but this recent relapse has been tough. Strength training does so many good things for me, and it's a shame to feel so guilty trying to use it. I don't wish my restriction on anyone and wouldn't want anyone to think it was good or healthy. I'm here to put on some mass and feel strong, damn it!
@dem4 You DO deserve to take that risk. You deserve to do whatever you need to do to recover.
And on the flip side, maybe there is a woman out there trying to recover from anorexia.
She sees you go to the gym every day, working hard, fuelling for it and she sees in you some new hope for her own recovery. We all have our journeys and yours is just as valid as anyone’s
And on the flip side, maybe there is a woman out there trying to recover from anorexia.
She sees you go to the gym every day, working hard, fuelling for it and she sees in you some new hope for her own recovery. We all have our journeys and yours is just as valid as anyone’s
@supersage Thank you for this!! I was so hesitant to post this comment earlier today, but all the responses like yours have been completely lovely. My recovery is not perfect, but my relapses are not final unless I let them be. The gym is an important tool for me in recovery, and I need to be less ashamed of using it. I would never shame anyone else for their appearance or weight at the gym - I know they are there to be their best self and it doesn't mean they're there yet. So I don't know why it's so hard to let go of that standard for myself.
In any case, thank you again for the kind encouragement! I hope to pay all this support forward as best I can!
In any case, thank you again for the kind encouragement! I hope to pay all this support forward as best I can!
strangekeys
New member
@dem4 I feel you on this one. When I think back on when I was in my ED days and at a much lower weight, I cringe when I think about anyone striving towards my body. At the time though, I wasn’t even aware that I might have that effect on people, so the fact that you realize this is really impressive and shows that you have done a lot of work in recovery already.
It’s not irresponsible for you to go to the gym (so long as you’re medically cleared and you’re not doing it for disordered reasons, big disclaimers). It would be irresponsible if you told anyone to follow your behaviors or look just like you, which you’re not! And the fact is, the thin ideal is everywhere in society, so if someone was going to relapse, it would have nothing to do with you.
Best of luck in your recovery
It’s not irresponsible for you to go to the gym (so long as you’re medically cleared and you’re not doing it for disordered reasons, big disclaimers). It would be irresponsible if you told anyone to follow your behaviors or look just like you, which you’re not! And the fact is, the thin ideal is everywhere in society, so if someone was going to relapse, it would have nothing to do with you.
Best of luck in your recovery
@strangekeys Thank you so much!! I was in recovery for a long time before this recent relapse, and my own relapse had nothing to do with anyone else's body, so it's crazy that I hold myself responsible for others that way. Also that being said, the gym has never been part of my disorder, and it's in fact a big part of my recovery! When I go to the gym, it's self-care for my body and mind, and I know it stirs up my appetite and helps me to eat and put on weight. I would love to work out in leggings and a sports bra so I can watch my muscles engage and see my own strength! I want to focus on muscles and curves (yes including nice healthy fat!) instead of only focusing on bones and angles, but I guess it just scares me to think someone else would look at me and think I approve of my current state or worse am proud of it. But I guess that's everyone's fear at the gym! That's why I really liked this post.
faithwoman12
New member
@faithwoman12 I read your comment and I read it as totally inclusive, for what it's worth! I historically have avoided sharing much about this because I don't want to take away from the experience of others, and I recognize that even though it's not right there certainly can be a privilege associated with being underweight. I'm wary of accidentally hijacking a discussion that's meant for others, but this post felt really supportive so I felt it was safe. I've been blown away by the thoughtful and kind responses like yours though!
faithwoman12
New member
you ARE “good enough” and I hope you remember to be kind and treat yourself as you would a friend too. 
twallacejolly
New member
@dem4 I completely understand. I talked about being overweight but I have also been underweight in my life as well, and neither felt good. But I stand by what I said for you too, because think of how far you’ve come! You seem to have a lovely self awareness that you shouldn’t dismiss. Lots of people struggle to put ON weight, and I think you are equally as worthy as anyone to feel powerful.
Overcoming mental illness is the most powerful thing anyone can do. It’s an invisible battle and you are a hero whether your inside matches your outside or not. Maybe someone is looking at you in the gym and seeing your gains, however small they seem to you, and is secretly proud of you. I’m proud of you.
Overcoming mental illness is the most powerful thing anyone can do. It’s an invisible battle and you are a hero whether your inside matches your outside or not. Maybe someone is looking at you in the gym and seeing your gains, however small they seem to you, and is secretly proud of you. I’m proud of you.
tyrannosaurusradio
New member
@twallacejolly Proud of you, OP, and also thank you for seeing it from the other side. Bodies are SO personal and the most important thing is for each individual to be healthy and that shape looks different for all. Keep working out in that sports bra, and to our friends in recovery - one day at a time and celebrate the little wins. You are seen, beautiful and loved!
cagepatin76
New member
twallacejolly
New member
@cagepatin76 Aw shucks
@twallacejolly This is beautiful, thank you. I hadn't considered it from the other side. My need to hide has kept me out of the gym entirely some days, but this is really uplifting. Thank you for both your wonderful post and this amazing reply! Please know that you have turned a day around for a stranger.