How do I stop feeling bad as black girl about no longer being ‘thicc’, partying, drinking, etc?

[donny4793]

@oikonomia Well... I dunno if this resonates with you at all, but I think a challenging part of freeing ourselves from the beauty standard is that there's nothing to replace it with.

Like, you might know you feel better not drinking, less heavy, with less makeup--but since we're inundated with cultural messaging about the kind of woman we're supposed to be physically and socially in order to be "hot," when we start to give that stuff up, we... feel less hot. It's not that we're actually less hot, though. It's that we don't have a story to tell ourselves about the new, different kind of hot we are.

I bet you're super fucking hot, tbh. You mean you're not hung over 3 days a week, not puking on your friend's porch during a party, spending time on self-awareness and personal development outside of trends, and developing muscles to fill up your frame? That sounds hot as hell! That's exactly the kind of woman I want to be!

Maybe you just need some positive comparisons here--what do you like about wearing less makeup, drinking less, and making these other changes in your life? What could you do now that you couldn't do before? If all you're doing is negatively comparing yourself to the women who are living the way you used to, yeah, I bet that feels pretty bad... but you made these changes for great reasons, so it might be time to learn how to take those reasons more seriously!

Regarding your friends: Maybe mute or unfollow them temporarily. If all their posts are doing is giving you FOMO or making you feel bad, it might be time to focus your attention elsewhere. Followers don't translate into money, fitness, or mental peace. They're just anonymous eyeballs from strangers. You already know chasing that kind of stuff with a hard-partying lifestyle has made you unhappy. Refocus your energy on something that does!

I really admire you for being so willing to shed the go-with-the-herd mentality.

 

[oikonomia]

@donny4793 Thank you so much, this is so kind, I nearly teared up reading this lol

You’re so right, thinking of the positive comparisons is a huge help. I couldn’t even do a push up on my knees a year ago and now I can do 3 regular ones (which is still bad lol but I’m working on it) and honestly I’m so proud of myself for that and other things I’ve achieved I thought I would never be able to.

I agree about muting them, I muted my ex for a little while when we broke up and it was so much easier to forget about him, then when I started seeing his pictures again I wasn’t affected.

I agree about the beauty standards too. Before it was like ‘people say this is the way for me to look my best so I’m going to look like this’. As much as I’d like to think I don’t care what people think I look like I think subconsciously knowing that I didn’t look like my friends anymore affected me. It sounds so shallow but I think it’s just the reality of the situation I was in.

Hoping that making new friends in the fitness space will help out

Thanks so so much you’ve been a huge help

 

[donny4793]

@oikonomia I'm so glad!

Please don't beat yourself up for caring what other people think! We're a social species; back in the hunter gatherer age, if we were completely ostracized from groups, we'd die! We all care about feeling seen and included in a group, it's normal. But you have to live with you every day, so I'm glad you're making choices that will make you happy first!

 

[winlifeoc]

@oikonomia I'd cut out the fitsogram kind of accounts and add more feeds with cute picture of birds (or doggos, cats, horses, dinosaurs, whatever makes you personally go awwww!), cool landscapes, stuff that makes you actually happy to see! If you enjoy the medium itself, you don't need to cut it out completely, but change how you engage with it. The unfollow button is great! I treat Instagram as my own happyfun place so I fill it with quails and fellow artists and a few other small farmers.

I post art to mine and sometimes landscapes and little macro shots of random things around my island or farming progress. Nothing too personal though really. It's much more fun this way I find and might be an approach to try if cold turkey isn't your bag.

 

[kobbyclaude]

@oikonomia Maybe you can try following some Instagram accounts that fit your current lifestyle? Girlswhopowerlift comes to mind, but I’m sure there are tons of other accounts of bad ass chicks kicking ass in the gym. I don’t know if it’ll fix anything, but it might help dilute your feed with motivation or reminders that you’re happy working towards your current goals

 

[oikonomia]

@kobbyclaude Thank you, I actually have 2 separate Instagram accounts, my regular one, and then one I that I use to post my gym progress for friends and family

The second one never really makes me feel bad, I just feel more motivated to each my goals in the gym, thinking maybe I should log out of the other one for a while

 

[thelukewormchrist]

@oikonomia I have 2 instagram accounts, same reason as you. My fitness one is public but I don't t follow any friends or family even if they follow me. It's only for surrounding myself with other (mostly) women who run and lift and take their health seriously, like me. I don't really have people like that in real life but I feel like IG has helped fill that desire of having similar-minded friends.

I'm white so I can't speak to the pressure you feel as a black woman not fitting into where media/ society says you should fit. But I stopped drinking a year and a half ago when I started putting my health first and my Irish-American family took it bad. Like, you would have thought I announced I was going to live in a convent! My family "celebrates" every occasion with alcohol. It's everywhere, all the time. I tried my hardest to make it a non-issue and after about a year they stopped as well. They still offer me alcohol but don't push the matter when I decline. It's hard breaking away from the pack. It's your life though and you're the only one who decides how you're going to live it. Not your friends or Instagram or the media.

 

[fish_bone]

@oikonomia Maybe add your IG-only friends to your gym IG? That way you can not use the old party one as much or at all.

 

[oikonomia]

@fish_bone I don’t think I could do that, it’s really only for females close to me

But I checked and most of them have their Snapchat in their bios so I’m just going to add them on there, I’d never bothered to check before

I already don’t look at people’s stories so I don’t think it should give me any FOMO, so it should be all good

Thank you though

 

[blackraven]

@oikonomia I mute posts and stories from people on Instagram that I still want to remain connected to, but don't want to see what they're up to everyday.

It's one less barrier to FOMO because what they do is not actively being shoved in your face every time you open the app. You aren't alienating yourself from your old friends because you don't need to unfollow them either.

 

[artmai522]

@meg008 I'm also white so I don't experience the 'pressure' to be thick to the same extent as you might do, but I can relate a bit because I have felt really self-conscious in the past about having a very 'petite' ass. I have never really thought about this until I started going on instagram and seeing that all over.

For me what helped was reiterating that whilst being curvy is beautiful that doesnt mean that whatever I look like cannot also be beautiful. A flower and a rainbow can both be beautiful even if they don't resemble each other. So I try to remind myself anytime I start feeling self-conscious that as long as I am healthy, I will accept my body the way it is, because it doesn't have to fit the mould of beauty standards.

 

[oikonomia]

@artmai522 Right? It’s crazy how you don’t think about any of your ‘imperfections’ until you notice how you’re different from someone. I had no idea I’d gone down 2 cup sizes (I tried not to look at the scale too much, measurements, etc) until someone pointed it out to me.

You’re totally right, it’s about accepting myself as healthy the way I am

 

[oikonomia]

@meg008 This is really helpful, thank you!

Yeah, I find that when I do party and all I don’t even enjoy it. I’ll try the exercise of writing out my insecurities, hopefully that will help x

 

[mandamandrell91]

@oikonomia I’ve talked to my therapist about this and social media is probably what you want to avoid- FOMO, comparing yourself to others, etc. You don’t realize how into it you get until you quit. I’m not saying you have to quit, but maybe try taking a break from going on social media. It seems like you’re happy filling your time in different ways, so I’d focus on doing more of that! Most people grow out of partying anyway, so you’re just a few steps ahead of them

 

[balelou]

@mandamandrell91 one half-strategy for reducing social media was deleting facebook and instagram off of my phone (though I kept facebook messenger). I can still check them from my laptop, but now I can't just mindlessly scroll through it every time I get my phone out.

 

[dawn16]

@mandamandrell91 Came here to say this. I had the same relationship with social media and there so many excuses not to quit it (all my pictures are on there, how will I keep in touch with people, etc). What it really comes down to is that most of us are addicted to comparing ourselves to others.

I took an 8 month break and now I’m 2 months in to another break. I’ve broken my addiction to my phone, I don’t feel the need to take pictures and document everything, and I’m genuinely so so much happier not having an unrealistic benchmark with which to judge my life.

I’m telling you, if you are already happy with your life changes, the only thing missing is to break your connection with your past life and take a break from seeing it. This will solidify for you that you have chosen the type of life that makes you most happy.

 

[jordie16]

@mandamandrell91 I absolutely agree with this.

You’ve worked on your physical a lot it sounds like but now you need to work on your mental. A good therapist is key for this. Working on Fomo, self comparison, and finding your voice with healthy boundaries is essential and it’s achievable with a therapist.

 

[oikonomia]

@mandamandrell91 Thank you!

think taking a break might really be what I need, I’ve wanted to do it for a while but I have a few old friends that I’m only it touch with on Instagram so I don’t want to miss a message they send me. Maybe I’ll try logging in once a week or something

That’s very true about partying, I’m 20 and I know a few people older than me that have grown out of it. I guess I shouldn’t feel bad that it’s just early for me

 

[angelsm355]

@oikonomia I was married at a young age and kept feeling like I missed something. I realized later I felt that way because I wasn't going after stuff I wanted, just being comfortable instead. But you are doing awesome stuff! So many people would want YOUR life with the gym love and progress.

Anyway, I'm in my 40s now and since my 20s I've lived all over the US, now I'm in another country, I researched getting another citizenship (and did it), got remarried, had a hobby farm with dairy goats, etc. I met my husband when he was a bit over 20.. and it's kinda funny that he didn't have that fomo stuff at all.

Find real stuff that you like and go for that. I've been adopted by a mid 70s woman (not sure of her actual age) and she fucking does everything! High up in local politics, trips to major cities, art museums, protests, etc. Just amazing. She also works out 3x a week, maintains her goal weight (we met at WW) etc

 

[pcippy]

@oikonomia Mute all the profiles of people whose lifestyles give you unhealthy FOMO. I've been following hashtags instead. Gardening, nature, more positive hobbies and interests I have. Anyway, it sounds like you're already on the right track.