How do I stop feeling bad as black girl about no longer being ‘thicc’, partying, drinking, etc?

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oikonomia

New member
This doesn’t have a lot to do with fitness, but since becoming fit is what’s made me the way I am now, I figured people on this sub might relate and be able to give me some advice.

A few years ago, I used to be the kind of girl who was always taking Instagram pictures, I was ‘thick’ (albeit a little overweight), and I partied quite a lot. I was really popular with guys, and I felt I looked good to others but to be honest that lifestyle didn’t really make me happy.

Last year I lost about 6kg, went from a D cup to an A/B cup, and lost about 4 inches from my glutes (though I’ve already started making progress growing them back with muscle this time, since I mostly lift weights). I also cut off of reduced my level of friendship with a lot of people that had been really toxic in my life.

I stopped drinking and partying because I didn’t enjoy it and drinking gave me terrible headaches. I made my Instagram private and stopped posting as much because I didn’t like the idea of strangers being able to see so much of my life and what I was up to.

Most of my friends are the kind of people who have 10k followers on Instagram, go out a lot and party, have lots of friends, they’re all super curvy, about C/D/DD cups, etc

The crazy thing is, even though I know that being like that and living that lifestyle wouldn’t make me happy, I still feel so so so bad about myself when I’m looking at a lot of the stuff they do. I feel like maybe I’m missing out on life and I’m just not being who I’m supposed to be, a ‘bad bitch’ and all that stuff. I feel like there’s added pressure on me as a black girl to be thick, always look good, etc, or at least as the type of black girl I used to be/my friends are.

I also don’t feel as attractive anymore because I don’t wear as much makeup as I used to, though when I told one of my male friends how I was feeling he said that was crazy and that I’m one of the most attractive girls he knows if not the most, and he complements how amazing my body is now every now and again.

The things I do for fun now are mainly going out to the movies, going out to eat, and of course going to the gym, I’ve really fallen in love with it over the last year. I know it doesn’t seem like much but I genuinely enjoy doing those things.

When I do go out to party I rarely have a good time, and I often wish I just went to see a movie or something instead.

If I don’t see any of my friends’ lifestyles on Instagram for a few weeks I have no qualms at all about the way I live now and I’m totally happy with myself, but then when I see them I feel bad about myself again.

Has anyone delt with this too? How did you cope with it? Any advice at all would me much appreciated, thank you so much

Edited to add: I hope this doesn’t sounds like r/notlike othergirls, I think it’s great for my friends if they’re happy like that and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with their lifestyle, I just wish I could stop feeling bad about not living that lifestyle anymore.

Edited again to add:
Wow thank you so much everyone, your replies have been SO KIND. Like 10 minutes after I posted this someone downvoted it lol and the upvotes/downvoted were at 0, I almost deleted this because I thought people would just say I should suck it up and stop comparing myself to other people.
I’m so glad I didn’t, all this advice has been so so helpful, much more than I could have hoped for.
Thanks so much 🧡
 
@oikonomia Take a break from social media. It's literally designed to make you feel bad. I have stopped using FB and IG to keep up with people and now keep up with them personally instead. It's so much better.
 
@oikonomia Sometimes you outgrow your friends. You are at that point in life where paths start to veer away. It’s tough but it doesn’t mean your paths won’t align back up again.

Are you making new friends with similar personalities? Maybe people from work.

I’m am an old 43yo white lady but the other day I was out with my friends and we were laughing about how in our 20s we would go to the bar and drink and I was always the driver and always wanted to leave early where 2 friends would go hide on the dance floor so they didn’t have to leave. I too get really awful hangovers and am completely content with 2 drinks and calling it a night when my relaxed buzz wears off.

Well eventually I started hanging out with more work friends who liked to just go out and have a few drinks after work vs clubbing until 2am. I really didn’t see my girlfriends all that much from ages 24-30 but eventually they got married and everyone started settling down and we started hanging out and now our kids are becoming just a little bit more independent and we get together a few times a year for dinner and hit a bar. I’m still the one who calls it a night first but oh well that’s just me. And some times when I do have one of those nights where I can hold my liquor and go all night everyone laughs and its the topic of conversation at our next get together.
 
@oikonomia Doesn’t have anything to do with being black because trust me there’s white and Spanish party girls like this too - the makeup, the binge drinking, recreational drugs & overall hot mess-ery (haha)

Btw, how old are you ? I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re between 25-30 cause tbh it just sounds like you’re growing up.

As you get older you realize with some people you grow together and others you grow apart. You decided to grow as a person and it doesn’t sound like they have. They’re still doing the same shit they were doing 5 years ago.

I’m saying this bc I went through something similar TWICE - once around 21/22 after leaving school And again quite recently. At 21 I was hanging out with some girls who for lack of a better word - were more privileged than I. For me, shit was getting real. I knew that If I didn’t want to be poor forever I had to stop shooting the shit and commit to actually getting my shit together. My priorities changed, I got a real job, I started saving money, moved out etc. meanwhile, they continued to party and live with their parents but to be fair they could afford to. One of them did get knocked up by a jerk though ...
Anyway, I realized at the core I’m not one of them and I needed to find friends with similar values.

Recently I made friends with this other girl who was a blast to hang out with but over time I realized that her drinking wasn’t simply having fun - its actually a problem. I don’t know if she can have one or two and call it a day it always turns into more and she can be A lot to handle in that state. So I set boundaries and made it a rule to have no more than 2 drinks when I’m with her bc I don’t want to enable that behavior if she can’t be responsible for things she does and says In an altered state.

Anyway what I’m saying is you’re growing as a person and perhaps there is a way to salvage your friendships if your friends can respect the boundaries you set or they may simply decide that “you’re no longer fun to be around” and move on. Either way you still do need to add More friends who share similar values to your life. Doesn’t mean you have to cut your old ones off though.
 
@oikonomia I can’t speak about black identity, but I just want you to know that you sound like someone I want to be friends with. I would want people like you in my life because you’ve grown up, and matured, and reflect on past behaviors. You sound WAY more interesting than your old friends. Also I read this on some thread recently and it’s been sticking in my mind, “your size/shape shouldn’t be the most interesting thing about you”. I just want you to know that there are people who will really like the current you and the mind you have now. It sounds possible that maybe you still need to cut out some people or unfollow some, and make new friends in new situations where you are 100% yourself. Maybe take some social media breaks too if you’re into that. I just took a month off and honestly didn’t miss it. It’s crazy how BAD insta can make you feel!
 
@oikonomia So while I was never really a partier I definitely understand where you're coming from. What you have to focus on now is what makes you happy with yourself. Fuck whatever other people who you have known like to do, if you working out, wearing less makeup, and partying less makes you happy keep doing it. I have found that when I get jealous of people on social media that I need to take a break. Take a week off, uninstall the apps on your phone so you can't be tempted and refresh your mind. Then when you come back go through your friends list/people you follow and just delete anyone who makes you feel negative about yourself. Start trying to make gym friends who can help inspire your fitness goals and motivate you to reach them. You've put yourself on a better, healthier path and trying to stick with it is the hardest part. Personally I think when you don't have friends that enjoy fitness and you do it makes it harder to maintain the friendship.
 
@oikonomia Hey! I'm not black so I can't identify 100% with your experience, but I just want to say that I SO RELATE with your anxieties. The Instagram FOMO thing is so real, and there also seems to be some sort of cultural dialogue lately that says that women aren't "cool" or "badass" or whatever unless we're constantly out partying, drinking, hooking up, etc. (while also looking constantly perfect and appropriately sexy, of course). I've come to the conclusion that this idea is total patriarchal bullshit disguised as "girl power." I do NOT at all say that in any way to shame anybody who does any of those things. People should do what they want to do! I just mean that the #badbitch party girl ideal that you're measuring yourself against is just another dumb standard that women are now expected to live up to. There is no reason in the world that you have to be out partying and drinking if you don't enjoy it. There is nothing inherently "badass" about partying and drinking. What is badass is spending time doing things that make you feel good, and if that means going to the gym and going to see movies for you, then do those things. You DO NOT have to feel bad about avoiding activities that you don't enjoy that much, period. You're not missing out on anything.

Try to make some new friends who share more common interests: maybe by joining some kind of fitness team or club, for example. I think having more people with similar interests in your life can really help you feel less alone and realize that you're not doing anything wrong, or failing at "being who you're supposed to be," just by doing things that you actually enjoy doing.

Also, delete Instagram! It's a toxic recipe for anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
 
@oikonomia I have experienced a similar thing, I wear less makeup, I don't go out nearly as much as I used to, I lost a bit of contact with some friends because of this. However, it allows me to output more focus and attention on my training in the gym now, I have a lot more time to focus on my mental and emotional health by crafting hobbies over the last few years of college and I noticed that I naturally started to gravitate away from social media and started using it less and less. I didn't mean to, but I have a feeling that it has had a positive effect on my outlook. Sometimes I miss the lifestyle I once had but life moves on for this reason and honestly, everyone is in their own practice. It can be a very transformative period, and that can come with growing pains. Good luck to you!
 
@oikonomia As a mixed race woman who passes white, I've had the privilege of not having the same expectations that my siblings and cousins have. It's a whole thing. But race and expectations aside, I think this is a normal part of personal growth. Caring more about what you like and want than how others view you is just part of maturity.

I used to know every new hot bar or restaurant. I knew people to get me in and onto lists and VIP. Now I couldn't care less. It made me feel valuable to look cool. Now I value myself for simply being myself. In yoga pants on a jog, or in yoga pants on my sofa. Or at some cool place some friend insists we Uber to.

Your interests have changed and there is nothing wrong with that. 10k followers are not friends. You do you. Anyone who doesn't like it can pound dirt.
 
@oikonomia I should suck it up and stop comparing myself to other people.

Well, to be fair, yeah kind of. It doesn't really matter what other people do or say. What matters is living life however you want to. You'll find new people, new place, and new things that match the new you when you do.
 
@oikonomia A lot of great points in this thread about social media, health, lifestyle, personal choice - one more thing that could help is making new friends who share your new love of fitness! Group fitness classes, climbing gyms, yoga studios can have great communities (yes some of them are come and go) but transforming your hobbies into hobbies + social activity can help with the mental stress you're going through
 
@oikonomia I think the biggest thing that jumps out at me is that you say you’re not happy partying and you are happy in your “new life”. It’s natural, I think, to feel nostalgia for our past. From what you say about how it makes you feel now though, you may just be remembering the good times without all the drawbacks.

I know limiting my time on Instagram (I have a 15 minute limit set per day on my phone) has helped me a lot, personally. Also, it sounds like you’re creating a new community around those things that you enjoy now which is great. Allow yourself the nostalgia, but recognize it for what it is—missing the good times, while glossing over the gnarly hangovers in the morning :)
 
@oikonomia
  1. Branch out to a new friend group.
  2. Stop thinking you have to carry a certain persona because of your skin color. You can be whoever you want to be regardless of the way you were born. If you find this to be troublesome, refer back to #1.
 
@oikonomia I’m similar, used to be a bit of a party girl but when I get a bit jealous of my friends I remember I wasn’t really happy then, I’m happy now, truly. I hate wearing loads of makeup and spending an hour on my hair in the morning. I despise night hey clubs. My boyfriend actually enjoys going To the gym with me and I still have my friends, but I’m not involved in their dramas. I also have my gym friends. You sound like you’re doing pretty well just enjoy what you want to do with your life 😊
 
@oikonomia My hobbies are going to the gym, running, hiking, swimming, yoga, meditating, listening to heavy and alt metal and hanging out with friends at home. I have no Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, etc. I am a black woman. I know plenty of black women just like me. I am really not understanding the correlation between the behaviors you listed (being thicc, drinking, partying, smoking, Instagram, etc.) and being a black woman. Your old friends just have different hobbies. You're describing a certain subset of black girl culture and that's fine but to act like you're "different" than other black women makes no sense because there are plenty of black women just like you. I mean some of the greatest athletes are black women. There are tons of fitness clubs, pages, groups all dedicated to black women. I am part of a black women's running club and my best friend (another black woman) goes to a kickboxing class 3x a week...full of black women. Partying, drinking, social media and being thicc (aka the "baddie" lifestyle) is not synonymous with being a black woman.

Perhaps taking a break from social media and researching black woman centered fitness classes would be helpful. Its probably much easier if you're in a metropolitan area or a college town but they are out there. Next time you hit the gym look around and see if there are other black women you can strike up conversations with. There are some BOMB black woman fitness YouTubers with all sorts of workouts and meal preps. Start reading up on black woman athletes and their histories. That may help you feel a bit less "alone" in this situation.
 
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