Lily Myers "Shrinking Women"

@sabrina_ The line that hits me hardest in this is, "I asked five questions in genetics class today and all of them started with the word 'sorry'." Because I've mentioned before that one of the most beneficial parts of lifting for me has been the transference of an 'I deserve to be here' mentality to other aspects of my life.
 
@whothennow24 A while back I challenged myself to say "I apologize" in place of where I would usually say "I'm sorry," in my everyday speech and thinking. It really helped me to at least recognize what situations warranted an actual expression of regret, and when I was being defferential. It helped me to stop apologizing in a subconscious effort that made me feel small and meek, and as a result I think it helped me begin to stand up for myself.
 
@dawn16 You can you can you can! I'm in a stem field (postdoc) and always felt like I'm opening my mouth too much, like I'm too opinionated (I can't help myself). Nobody has ever criticised me, I just do this to myself. Then I read one of the Feynman books (I think this was 'Surely you're joking mr. Feynman') and he said that he was so excited by the science that he couldn't shut up and keep his opinions to himself. So now my attitude is that if it comes from a place of loving the science, I can't say too much. I also have embraced the fact that I'm going to be wrong often, and this has helped me keep my voice out there, even when I'm not super-sure that what I think is correct yet.

Sorry for hijacking, but I feel the need to be a cheerleader for things like this.
 
@whothennow24 Yeah. I am a chronic apologizer. I have to stop myself from starting statements, emails, etc with the words "Sorry" or "I apologize". I have to remind myself that if someone knocks into me, I don't have to say "my bad". They knocked into me. Feeling strong in my daily life has totally helped, but I still freaking do this way too much, and it drives me crazy.
 
@sabrina_ A couple of weeks ago, I was riding my bike and a guy opened his car door without looking and I ran right into it. I don't know why, but I apologized to him, even though I was the one with a bruised butt (luckily that was all). It's so deeply ingrained in me to apologize and I'm not sure how to stop it.
 
@dawn16 Yeah this is a college town and we were literally down the street from the university. There's always bikes there so there's no way he didn't know that we would be biking next to his car.
 
It just struck me what exactly conservatives mean by needing a man and a woman to raise a child.

If two men raise a girl, who will teach her to be quiet?

If two women raise a boy, who will teach him to speak over women?

That's what they mean by modeling appropriate gendered behavior. Maintaining the illusory power structure of our society.
 
Yeah. It's pretty interesting to think about navigating this whole thing. On one hand, I feel like I'm doing him a disservice if we don't at least acknowledge the "rules" of gender so that he won't be totally out of step with his peers, but on the other it all seems so toxic.

Edit: I mean if course it's all on a gradient. I'm more feminist than my mom but still internalized a lot of misogynistic thinking; my son is clearly going to have a more progressive base thank I did, but will still struggle with certain things.
 
Yeah, that's what I'm wondering about, too. I don't want my future kids to be unable to navigate our current society, but I don't want them to be toxic, either.
 
@dawn16 YES! I have the same issues with work emails. I'll start to apologize, stop myself, delete the apology, send the email with just the needed correspondence, and then worry that it will be perceived as angry or rude. It probably doesn't help that I work in a male dominated industry where I regularly have people ask why they can't speak to the person handling the deal and not their secretary (I'm not their secretary).
 
@sabrina_
I regularly have people ask why they can't speak to the person handling the deal and not their secretary (I'm not their secretary)
Click to expand...

This is where you quietly and slowly clasp your hands together, gently rest them on your desk, and just make steady eye contact with the person until they realize. Slow eyebrow raise is optional.
 
@russosandra This works less well on the phone. I usually just say "I am the person you need to speak to about this". I have had occasions where I've been trying to get info from someone on the other end for days with no response to calls or emails, ask a male team member to forward my email or call, and they get a response immediately.
 
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