The mind of a Binge Eater (x post from r/bingeeatingdisorder)

[tatig]

I post this not looking for help, advice or tips.. I post those in hopes that maybe someone else out there thinks like me and goes through this too.

Please know I am in therapy.

I’m having a terrible day.

Just the other day I was in here feeling refreshed and replying to threads where others were struggling and I felt like I was helping others.. and in this moment, I feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down.

I’m 9 days binge free.. these last 2 days I’ve overeaten though.. just not a full blown binge.

Today I just feel so hopeless, and I didn’t even binge. I ate my breakfast then had a granola bar from the stash I keep in my desk (I keep them there so I don’t go buy junk) then one single girl guide cookie.. and now I’m mad at myself because I wasn’t really hungry at all when I ate those things. I always get mad at myself for eating when not hungry, even if its something small.

Then I go to the washroom at work, and all I can see is this fat tub of lard. I’m 5’3 and probably 140-150 (can’t weigh myself it’s a huge trigger).. I run races, lift weights 3x a week, and all I see if a fat chick who can’t get her eating under control. My eyes go to my stomach, my hips, the lumps, the fat that peeks out from the back of my bra, the not-so-prominent collarbones. I immediately don’t feel like running after work like I had planned, and think about skipping the gym tomorrow. I plan this so that I can go home and binge, then sleep in tomorrow because I can’t go to the gym feeling puffy and nauseous from the night before.

In the span of a few minutes I make my plan.. I’ll go home and finish my chips and dip, then when my BF gets home I’ll ask him if he wants to order a pizza (I’ll say I’m starving!). After that I’ll say I need to run to the store. When I get to the store I’ll buy some binge food that I can eat on the way home and then surprise my bf with a “dessert” for us. Before bed I’ll eat the pint of ice cream I have hidden in the back of the freezer.

While I’m at the grocery store, I’ll buy all my food for the new lifestyle that starts for me tomorrow. I’ll get nothing but vegetables, lean proteins and brown rice.. because obviously as of tomorrow I don’t eat junk anymore.

I wish I could look at myself on these days and just be okay with the girl that’s starting back at me. I don’t want to love her, or think she’s beautiful, I just want to feel indifference. I want to say, that is me and I’m okay.

I leave the washroom with my arms covering my stomach and my head down, as if I wasn’t the same person that walked in there, as if the people that saw me walk in saw someone thin, and out walked a cow.

I wish I didn’t beat the crap out of myself for having a granola bar when I wasn’t hungry, or a bowl of ice cream last night when I was already full, or some chips and dip the night before when I didn’t need it.

I’m so sick of this feeling. Some days I feel like I’m winning with recovery, then days like today I want to curl up into a ball and cry.

 

[dawn16]

@tatig I did not had full blow binge eating disorder per se , but frequently dealt with binging, when I just could not stop and felt intense hunger even when my tummy was painfully full.

What really helped me is to cut out sugar all of it completely. No dessert, no cookies, no ice cream, no chocolate, no candy, no syrup, no jam nothing with added sugar EVER. It seems drastic , but for me sugar is a drug. Even a tiniest bit like a small halloween candy, and bam a week of binge eating. or a single ferrero rocher at valentines day, and bam another 2 weeks of binge eating.
It hard at the first week or tw, but then the cravings gone and I am fine.
I am on keto now, but that is not necessarily. But cutting out all added sugar was an absolute must to stop my binge eating, which I think was simply a sugar addiction.
There are amy research shows that eating sugar activates the same part of the brain as morphine , and hence can make you a sugar junkie

 

[antinomian]

@tatig Have a HUG

 

[hccstraightedge]

@tatig I can definitely relate. The best advice I've ever received on the topic was to put things into perspective. "Just because you got one flat tire doesn't mean you go and flatten the other three." Learn from your mistakes and avoid those potholes. Good luck, you got this.

 

[tatig]

@hccstraightedge I love it.. Thank you!

 

[oneanddone]

@tatig Right now I'm reading Kathryn Hansen's book Brain Over Binge. A heartfelt account that gave me a new perspective - reading it makes me feel a bit more understood

 

[tatig]

@oneanddone That book was very helpful with getting me to understand the mechanics behind why we binge. It definitely gave me a new, more objective perspective of why.

 

[avatarteni]

@tatig Thank you for writing this post. I am currently struggling with binge eating as you are. I had never feel satisfied with the way I look nor the way I feel. Just after eating some really healthy meals, I would "reward" myself with chips and chocolates. (I am able to finish party pack potato chips in 1 sitting)

I know it is very difficult, I just went through this week binge eating even though I am feeling full.

I am not sure if this will work but I am going to try this, instead of stopping myself from my guilty pleasure, I will buy smaller packs of chips, ice cream and whatever snacks that I like, limiting myself to 1-2 packs per day, until I can reduce it to 1 pack and then none at all.
Maybe this would help, maybe it wouldn't, but each day is a new day for you to better yourself. If there is someone else who is going through the same thing you can relate with about this, you can speak with them and try to solve this together.

 

[tatig]

@avatarteni Thank you for reading it Best of luck to the both of us!

 

[bobwhiteriver]

@tatig From my own experiences dealing with similar guilt I want to tell you thank you so much for being brave enough to share your internal thoughts. The people who see us walking around might think that we have no cares in the world (or just regular stress thoughts) and have no idea what war is happening in our minds. I do hope that you get what you wish for one day and you can look at your body and not feel...anything. It would be rather freeing wouldn't it?

 

[tatig]

@bobwhiteriver I always wonder if there's normal people I encounter every day that fight the same demons. Thank you for reading. It would be so freeing to just see my body as a body.. and nothing else.

 

[i_love_jesus__]

@tatig Yes, there definitely are.

 

[dawn16]

@tatig Thank you so much for writing this- everything you wrote sounds like me. Things have been rough lately and I feel like I just can't shake it.

 

[iona27]

@tatig I'm just gonna say that I'm freaked out because it's like reading my own diary I didn't even know I'd written. Holy shit. I wish you all the best with your recovery and I'm happy to chat whenever if you need someone to talk to.

 

[tatig]

@iona27 Thank you! There's many of us it seems

 

[ghostboi]

@tatig I'm diagnosed bulimic and those binges are the root cause of pretty much all my self loathing. Not the puking, not the acne, dry skin, weakness, etc. The binges. The sneaky planning. Its like a drug addiction but worse. At least addicts can get some help and people will say "Great job getting clean!" and they have this comeback kid story that people applaud.

Food addiction. BED. Bulimia. Not a chance. I just have no self control. I just need to stop. I need to power through the cravings. I need to distract myself while I get hit by the bus.

I'm with you there. Recovery is scary beast to wrestle and it wrings you out. It's ok to be tired. Its ok to be tempted. Its ok to have a bad day.

Thanks for sticking this out there, theres so much heartache in suffering ED in silence. You're not alone.

 

[dierato]

@ghostboi "At least addicts can get some help and people will say "Great job getting clean!" and they have this comeback kid story that people applaud."

This! I recovered from anorexia nervosa twice and twice I swung into obesity afterwards. Talk about the opposite of not getting applause. I wanted to shake people and say, "no! I'm working out and totally happy! Seriously! Do you realize how hard I worked to get here?!" It made me develop a thick skin and I definitely had to avoid the interwebs for a while because of all the HAES hate. I'd rather have trolls tell me I'm not healthy (even when by my fitness levels and blood tests I was) than living with the HELL of an ED.

 

[andro2010]

@tatig I relate to this so deeply. From fall 2014- December 2016 I went from 168 lbs to 264 lbs all through binge eating. I'm now down to 148 lbs but since February I've been struggling and recently been having some binges. I'm seeing my therapist again but I'm still getting emotionally stressed out as well as just wanting to binge eat. I was so strict this past year and now it's like I have to binge every week. It sucks so much but I'm not going to quit and gain back what I lost again.

Just know you're not alone. We have the good days and not so good days but as long as we get back up and continue fighting the fight, then binge eating has not won.

 

[savannah12345]

@tatig Thank you so much for posting this. It was honestly quite refreshing to see that somebody else actually plans out their binges when they're in that state of mine. I always felt sort of crazy for doing that when it seemed like everyone else made it sound like their binges just "whoopsy-daisy" happened. I don't allow myself cheat days for holidays anymore cause I'll be thinking about that day weeks beforehand and planning out what I'm going to binge on. For the most part binging isn't a huge problem for me now and I've gotten it under control, but it sucks that even months without a binge, sometimes they can still creep up on me like that.

 

[brohmanluke]

@tatig Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I'll start by saying my response here isn't much about eating or fitness. I haven't personally dealt with an eating disorder but I have some other issues that qualify me as someone in recovery. I just want to say that one of the best pieces of advice I ever received from my support group was this, "Let us love you until you can love yourself."

There is no quick fix to years spent in disordered eating or drinking or in an abusive relationship or any unhealthy lifestyle. In dealing with my personal issues, there was a time I couldn't look in the mirror because I hated the person I saw. I avoided making eye contact with people because I was afraid that everyone would see the truth about me. But having a support system of people who understand the pain and the thought process and behavior...and who love you even at your lowest of low days because they have been there too, can change your life.

As with anything, there will be ups and downs in recovery but it always gets better if you keep moving forward. There are so many recovery/support groups these days - online and out in the real world. I would seriously encourage anyone who is struggling to reach out to an organization who deals with your specific challenges. No one has to do any of this alone.