Losing weight = more unwanted attention/harassment?

[milan45]

Hi, sorry if this is a bit of a downer... I went from a chubby but athletic kid/young adult to suddenly losing a bunch of weight a few years ago. It was not on purpose, I couldn’t afford to eat cheese/meat/alcohol/snacks/sweets, or use any transportation that wasn’t walking. So suddenly I was a Skinny Hot Girl for the first time ever. It was helpful bc I couldn’t afford clothes so I could wear any free hand me downs or old clothes with a belt and it still looked fine/hipster stylish bc I had a “Good Body”. The problem was suddenly I couldn’t just exist. I would wear sweatpants over leggings because I was worried about wearing something too revealing. Even uniform clothes would be tight on my butt and I would get attention. It just felt awful and while I weighed less and looked “better” than ever I just wanted everyone to stop looking at me. I’ve gained a lot since then and I don’t really want to lose it. I have a partner who likes what I look like now. I just know logically it’s not healthy to be overweight. But it feels much safer. I feel like I can go to work or go out and just be some boring fat lady. I like wearing a bikini and knowing that if people are staring at me it’s like, woo she got rolls, and not stares of attractiveness.

I’m just wondering if anyone ever felt like this. I was soooo much more anxious when I was going out and looking “hot”. Everyone looks at you. Gaining weight actually felt really freeing. Guys are more willing to just hang out and be friends. But I’m not at a healthy weight and that’s bad for my actual health. This is just another mental hurdle and to me it is a very big one. When I “looked my best” I felt anxious, harassed, weak, and always cold. Now, I look sloppy and lumpy in clothes and I’m annoyed with my thigh rub, but otherwise my life is good.

Maybe I need to focus less on weight loss or body changes, and physical goals like hike x km, walk every day, lift x weight, do x pushups, to feel powerful. And then find a way to establish better boundaries and call out people who make me uncomfortable with their words and actions. Idk, I just am looking for some solidarity if anyone has felt like this I guess. I know I need to reframe how I’m thinking about this. I always wanted to be a dainty skinny girl but actually experiencing that freaked me out and I want to hide in my 40 extra pounds forever now. So in addition to all the other reasons not to lose weight, I also... don’t really feel like it’s a safe choice.

TLDR feels safer to be a fat lady

Edit: Thanks so much for all the replies, for sharing your stories and wisdom and encouragement! I’m glad that it started a conversation cause it’s been bothering me and I felt alone in it. Reddit is really lovely sometimes. I mean the fact that so many people are struggling with this isn’t lovely but I’m glad we have a community to share it. I took my dog for a walk then jumped on my kid’s trampoline then ate a salad with my first batch of fresh greens. My day took a nice turn from anxious rumination I hope yours does too.

 

[roundsquare]

@milan45 Yes, I completely agree. I was 120 pounds up until I was 20 years old, and now I'm 250 pounds at 23. When I was thinner, I had a curvy and busty body and faced harassment almost daily. I experienced stalking, cat-calling, inappropriate touching, and men exposing themselves on social media. I often noticed men staring at my boobs when I talked to them. I didn't dress provocatively; I usually wore skinny jeans, leggings, sweats, tank tops, and T-shirts.

Some girls were jealous and gave me dirty looks, sticking me up when I tried to be kind. What made it frustrating was being around girls, mostly my cousins, who would say they wished they had a body like mine. They would point out my body parts, saying things like, "Look at your boobs, they're so big. I wish I had boobs like yours," or "Look at her butt, it's so big. I wish I had a butt like yours". It made me so angry and uncomfortable because they constantly stared at my body and pointed it out. It felt like they were undressing me with their eyes too, as if my looks were all that mattered to them. I felt ashamed and pressured.

Not only that, I'm pretty sure they thought they were complimenting me, but I didn't feel like it. It just made me feel triggered because I already have to deal with men making unwanted comments about my looks, and now the girls are starting to do it in a more "innocent" or "sweeter" way. It just weirded me out because how am I supposed to take that, "thanks for checking out my body and making me feel like you were undressing me with your eyes. Would you also like to see my feet and compliment that too?" like no, it's just weird to me when people compliment other people's bodies, just stop looking at my goodies lol. Just treat me like a human being!

But on a serious note, what made me feel more frustrated was that they had no idea what it was like being a curvy girl. They say they want to have a particular body type and that I should be thankful for being born with one, but they don't know what it was like. They think it's all about looking hot and confident. But I wished I wasn't born with a "trendy" body because they don't understand what it's like to feel uncomfortable in your own skin and not wanting to be the center of attention. Curvy women get sexualized for everything, I feel like we are not taken seriously and look like another wanna be "Kardashian." I feel like curvy women have to cover themselves up more than skinny women have too and almost have to dress up like a boy just to get by and be taken a bit more seriously.

I felt like I couldn't get along with anyone and couldn't trust anybody, so I became distant and quiet. But as soon as I gained weight, the harassment stopped and it was easier to make friends since I didn't look "intimidating" as a chubby woman, or hearing unwanted comments about my looks and how I should be "thankful". Now, I notice how social and comfortable I am than I was before because of this. I know this way of thinking isn't healthy and that I do need to lose weight and build up confidence and self love, but I'm afraid that as soon as I do, that same unwanted treatment will happen all over again.

 

[mwalker_alazif]

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[pretty1]

@milan45 Roxane Gay talks about this in her book Hunger, if you're looking for a good read about this!

 

[dianna]

@milan45 Just start weight lifting and take classes that teach self defense like a martial arts class to give yourself some confidence in knowing you can protect yourself.