Losing weight = more unwanted attention/harassment?

[milan45]

Hi, sorry if this is a bit of a downer... I went from a chubby but athletic kid/young adult to suddenly losing a bunch of weight a few years ago. It was not on purpose, I couldn’t afford to eat cheese/meat/alcohol/snacks/sweets, or use any transportation that wasn’t walking. So suddenly I was a Skinny Hot Girl for the first time ever. It was helpful bc I couldn’t afford clothes so I could wear any free hand me downs or old clothes with a belt and it still looked fine/hipster stylish bc I had a “Good Body”. The problem was suddenly I couldn’t just exist. I would wear sweatpants over leggings because I was worried about wearing something too revealing. Even uniform clothes would be tight on my butt and I would get attention. It just felt awful and while I weighed less and looked “better” than ever I just wanted everyone to stop looking at me. I’ve gained a lot since then and I don’t really want to lose it. I have a partner who likes what I look like now. I just know logically it’s not healthy to be overweight. But it feels much safer. I feel like I can go to work or go out and just be some boring fat lady. I like wearing a bikini and knowing that if people are staring at me it’s like, woo she got rolls, and not stares of attractiveness.

I’m just wondering if anyone ever felt like this. I was soooo much more anxious when I was going out and looking “hot”. Everyone looks at you. Gaining weight actually felt really freeing. Guys are more willing to just hang out and be friends. But I’m not at a healthy weight and that’s bad for my actual health. This is just another mental hurdle and to me it is a very big one. When I “looked my best” I felt anxious, harassed, weak, and always cold. Now, I look sloppy and lumpy in clothes and I’m annoyed with my thigh rub, but otherwise my life is good.

Maybe I need to focus less on weight loss or body changes, and physical goals like hike x km, walk every day, lift x weight, do x pushups, to feel powerful. And then find a way to establish better boundaries and call out people who make me uncomfortable with their words and actions. Idk, I just am looking for some solidarity if anyone has felt like this I guess. I know I need to reframe how I’m thinking about this. I always wanted to be a dainty skinny girl but actually experiencing that freaked me out and I want to hide in my 40 extra pounds forever now. So in addition to all the other reasons not to lose weight, I also... don’t really feel like it’s a safe choice.

TLDR feels safer to be a fat lady

Edit: Thanks so much for all the replies, for sharing your stories and wisdom and encouragement! I’m glad that it started a conversation cause it’s been bothering me and I felt alone in it. Reddit is really lovely sometimes. I mean the fact that so many people are struggling with this isn’t lovely but I’m glad we have a community to share it. I took my dog for a walk then jumped on my kid’s trampoline then ate a salad with my first batch of fresh greens. My day took a nice turn from anxious rumination I hope yours does too.

 

[roundsquare]

@milan45 Yes, I completely agree. I was 120 pounds up until I was 20 years old, and now I'm 250 pounds at 23. When I was thinner, I had a curvy and busty body and faced harassment almost daily. I experienced stalking, cat-calling, inappropriate touching, and men exposing themselves on social media. I often noticed men staring at my boobs when I talked to them. I didn't dress provocatively; I usually wore skinny jeans, leggings, sweats, tank tops, and T-shirts.

Some girls were jealous and gave me dirty looks, sticking me up when I tried to be kind. What made it frustrating was being around girls, mostly my cousins, who would say they wished they had a body like mine. They would point out my body parts, saying things like, "Look at your boobs, they're so big. I wish I had boobs like yours," or "Look at her butt, it's so big. I wish I had a butt like yours". It made me so angry and uncomfortable because they constantly stared at my body and pointed it out. It felt like they were undressing me with their eyes too, as if my looks were all that mattered to them. I felt ashamed and pressured.

Not only that, I'm pretty sure they thought they were complimenting me, but I didn't feel like it. It just made me feel triggered because I already have to deal with men making unwanted comments about my looks, and now the girls are starting to do it in a more "innocent" or "sweeter" way. It just weirded me out because how am I supposed to take that, "thanks for checking out my body and making me feel like you were undressing me with your eyes. Would you also like to see my feet and compliment that too?" like no, it's just weird to me when people compliment other people's bodies, just stop looking at my goodies lol. Just treat me like a human being!

But on a serious note, what made me feel more frustrated was that they had no idea what it was like being a curvy girl. They say they want to have a particular body type and that I should be thankful for being born with one, but they don't know what it was like. They think it's all about looking hot and confident. But I wished I wasn't born with a "trendy" body because they don't understand what it's like to feel uncomfortable in your own skin and not wanting to be the center of attention. Curvy women get sexualized for everything, I feel like we are not taken seriously and look like another wanna be "Kardashian." I feel like curvy women have to cover themselves up more than skinny women have too and almost have to dress up like a boy just to get by and be taken a bit more seriously.

I felt like I couldn't get along with anyone and couldn't trust anybody, so I became distant and quiet. But as soon as I gained weight, the harassment stopped and it was easier to make friends since I didn't look "intimidating" as a chubby woman, or hearing unwanted comments about my looks and how I should be "thankful". Now, I notice how social and comfortable I am than I was before because of this. I know this way of thinking isn't healthy and that I do need to lose weight and build up confidence and self love, but I'm afraid that as soon as I do, that same unwanted treatment will happen all over again.

 

[mwalker_alazif]

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[pretty1]

@milan45 Roxane Gay talks about this in her book Hunger, if you're looking for a good read about this!

 

[dianna]

@milan45 Just start weight lifting and take classes that teach self defense like a martial arts class to give yourself some confidence in knowing you can protect yourself.

 

[dawn16]

@milan45 Yes yes yes I relate so much. Although I’ve never been overweight I was busty since my teen years. I always wore hoodies, no exceptions. Guys in high school still harassed me about my boobs. I went to college in the inner city and purposely bummed it to avoid getting attention (didn’t always work). I started lifting 5 years ago but was still pretty modest with gym attire to avoid unwanted attention. Nowadays I just can’t bring myself to wear a crop gym shirt, always a tank to cover my booty. I hate the idea of men at the gym ogling me if I’m squatting or hip thrusting. After years of lifting I developed shapely muscular legs and if I wore shorts in the summer I could see men staring. I just wanted to stay cool not look for male attention. I work out more than anything to be healthy, and to have those moments like in the bathroom where I assess physique and like what I see. I do it for no one else not even my bf. And I try to just ignore the people around me who might stare cuz I wanna wear cute clothes dammit.

 

[kingdominick]

@milan45 I felt like people commented on my body so much less when I was overweight.

BMI 28: crickets

BMI: 19ish: OHMYGODEATALLTHEAPPLEBREADONTHECOUNTERPLEASEOHMYGODDOYOUEVENEATOHMYGODEATMORE

 

[doublestuff]

@milan45 I think I get unwanted attention no matter my weight. When I was a skinny teen the pervs were out. When I was 8-9 months pregnant I got catcalled. Now, that I'm overweight, I get nasty comments from other women on top of the propositions from men. People just suck sometimes.

 

[richardparker]

@milan45 I mean, yes...but i live for athletics of all types, and I can put up with and pynish the pushy men in exchange for feeling that alive and powerful feeling you get when your body and mind are strong and healthy.

Edit: most recently, yesterday I was walking onto an empty college campus and a guy had been following me for 6 blocks. He only caught up because I stopped to look at directions. He was covered in sweat from trying to catch up with me. (I knew he was behind me, but was just hustling along at my normal walking pace.) After I told him no, he tried to go for a hug/assgrab, but I was strong and fast enough to immediately break free and stiff arm him six paces backwards and nearly down the stairs. I told him to gtf gone, and he did.

Kinda wish I'd followed up with a little more punishment, but.

 

[dawn16]

@milan45 I dunno, feel like I get just as much if not more negative attention when I’m not attractive. Like, people making fun of me to their friends or just directly saying insulting things to me. A lot of people don’t seem to have this experience, but I have many times. When I’ve been more attractive I certainly was also harassed a lot. Dressing down helped to mitigate it, but it never went away completely.

 

[dawn16]

@milan45 I've experienced almost exactly your situation. I also found that making friends with women was easier when I was the non-threatening chubby woman. Ive had so many people tell me "it's all in your head, ppl dont actually treat you differently, it's about how you feel," so it's really validating to hear someone have the same experience.

Now - solutions? You say you think you're unhealthy. You might not be. If you can lift things, run or walk a good distance, if your bloodwork is fine, you are healthy. Plenty of people in the "not hot" category are perfectly healthy because what culture has deemed "hot" is actually a range from unhealthily skinny to low side of healthy. So you could very well have a great life expectancy and still get all the chubby girl benefits.

If you truly feel you're unhealthy, I can share the loophole I found - become muscular af and wear loose-ish clothes. I am not small anymore, but it's because of big lats and shoulders and thighs I could break things with. I feel very healthy, but I get treated by strangers like I'm in the "not hot" size range. It's like a secret power, knowing I have guns and also not getting hit on. Lifting heavy takes time to change how youre shaped, but it can be a fun activity separate from physical goals all on its own. I hope you get into it, I find it so enjoyable and it was my solution to our shared problem. Good luck, you're awesome whatever way you want to look and live

 

[truepeace1982]

@milan45 I totally feel this. After hearing everyone from my dad, to fellow students to coworkers talk about women’s bodies, my body image is a mess. I’ve always been overweight and it took me along time to realize that it was because it made me feel safe.

I got weight loss surgery last year and my weight loss has slowed right down. I don’t know how to face the issue when I still feel unsafe at work, in the streets, and in my dads eyes.

Not helpful obviously but I understand.

 

[dawn16]

@milan45 Yep. I had my "glo up" the summer before i went off to college. I worked in the restaurant service industry through college and I always felt as though I was a piece of meat. By not only customers but coworkers, kitchen staff, managers...

I was very uncomfortable and let things slide at first. After I gained some confidence and got tired of letting people get away with harassment, I stopped what I could. Someone makes a comment? Make it clear it's unwarranted. Someone gets a little too close/touchy? Let them know. For work I set boundaries with people, I didn't get too close to anyone so they wouldn't ever feel comfortable enough to do or say anything. Tbh I was kind of a bitch but I had to be. I also carry self defense weapons and don't wear headphones in public except at the gym.

It's fucking ridiculous but when I don't want attention, I don't wear makeup, wear a t shirt or other clothes that are blah, don't make eye contact with anyone, don't be overly friendly with anyone, etc. You are not alone. Some things we just have to do just to be treated decently.

 

[gravytrain2012]

@milan45 I empathize with this. I think I may be sabotaging myself just so I don’t get unwanted attention. They really don’t know or care how much they disrupt our lives by commenting and assuming that they have a chance with us.

 

[xes1972]

@milan45 I can’t speak to your specific situation as I’ve been overweight to obese my entire post-pubescent life, but I can say that I was harassed, hit on, and followed even at my highest weight. I am not certain how that will change as I lose more weight, but I have no illusions things will get better. The men who think it’s okay to harass and give unwanted attention to women are probably not going anywhere any time soon, and that’s a societal issue that we’ll hopefully make better one conversation at a time. My hope for you, and for myself, is that we can find ways to exist in this world as our best selves in spite of the overarching threat of sexual harassment.

I think you’re on a great track with focusing on fitness goals rather than weight. Do things that make you feel powerful, strong, and empowered. Lift a little heavier, walk or run a little longer, and join a local women’s fitness group. We, and other women like us, are your allies, and there is strength in numbers. Consider a self-defense, kickboxing, or martial arts class. Your body is an incredible weapon if you know how to use it, and that knowledge can make a world of difference when you are on your own. And I can’t overstate the power of the word, “no.” Many women are conditioned to be as agreeable and accommodating as possible, and the assholes of the world try to take advantage of that. This is not our fault as women, period. I have found, though, that making it clear I don’t think a man is owed a laugh, or a smile, or any accommodation from me at all has helped shut down some would-be harassers. I might also suggest therapy to work through the mental barriers your facing. Take care of your mind, and the body benefits.

In short, being overweight may not be a fool-proof method of preventing unwanted attention wherever you go. Living in fear is not healthy, for mind or body. Our experiences are more similar than they are different, and I feel that our support of one another can help us become strong enough, mentally and physically, to face the world we live in and exist in the spaces we occupy with the confidence we deserve.

 

[jhonthomus]

@milan45 I think there's a middle ground here... we as a society tend to equate having a great bikini body with being "healthy," but you can be active, have a good diet, have good cardio health, cholesterol, bp etc and be slightly overweight or on the cusp of overweight. You don't need to be super thin to be healthy-- the "last ten pounds" are about vanity, not about heath.

I agree with your last paragraph, what if you focused on being active and eating nourishing foods, without focusing on losing weight? Maybe think about strength- based exercise vs cardio based.

 

[damon_guecho]

@milan45 I went from a frumpy, chubby kid to a young woman that lost weight and learned how to dress well and immediately noticed a difference in how men treated me. I am now 30 years old and it still makes me uncomfortable, but I am learning to live with it because I'd rather be healthy and attractive than not.

Sexuality is both powerful and dangerous. This is often the reason rape victims develop an eating disorder - either anorexia or binge disorder - either consciously or not to be less attractive to men.

The "halo effect" is a real phenomenon and it's a sad truth of nature that fit, beautiful women are on average more successful than those who are not . There is a non-vanity reason that some women get boob jobs and it's because bigger breasts and a more hourglass figure make people think you are put together, successful, and intelligent - whether these things are true or not!

The downside being that you will get more attention, and that more men will be attracted to you, and some of those men are dangerous. You have to learn to work with this. I have to deal with this by not being alone with men that I've met, keeping things professional, and letting my boyfriend know if I'm going anywhere I think there could potentially be trouble by GPS-tagging my location (In case something bad happens to me.)

In general it's not a bad thing to be attractive to men. But you do have to come to grips with the fact that most acquaintances and friends who happen to be male will find you attractive, and some will express their desires to you. But you can build the confidence, poise, and resilience to deal with it.

And part of building that confidence is working out, eating right, and maintaining a figure you can be proud of.

 

[spruikah]

@milan45 I can relate to this. I'm 35 and I've been everything from a UK 8 to a UK 22 (4 and 18 in US sizes I think?) over the past 20+ years. When I was slimmer and "hot" I'd get unwanted attention off guys and it often made me feel unsafe. It was mostly cat calling but I was also groped in public on a few occasions. I also experienced more hostility from some other girls/women; almost like I was expected to be in competition with them. When I'm bigger I generally feel like can just go about my business (although at my biggest I did have people say rude things about my weight but that didn't happen that often).

 

[carnage]

@milan45 I've been 5'9" (1.75m) and around 140-160 lbs (63.5-72.5kg) since I was 11. While I've never had any experience with the chubby side of your coin, I can say that I've had plenty of experience with the being stared at (or having men old enough to be my grandfather approaching me when I was 12).

For me, it was redoing my socialization. I had to stop being "small". I'm not always great at it, even at thirty years old. A lot of humans equate "desirable" with "prey" and I had to learn to stop exhibiting those prey-like social tells. It can be dangerous, as some people will get aggressive when confronted, but my usual cocktail has been to weaponize my resting bitch face and lock eyes. Take up space. Mean mug.

Men get nervous too. They're not wholly impenetrable predators. They're just people. Capitalize on that. If an interaction doesn't call for it, don't smile just to be polite, don't be agreeable just to be agreeable. Don't be rude to your waiter, obviously, but when I had a guy hit on me after I was engaged and he told me that he, "Preferred going after married women. Single women were like shooting fish in a barrel." I owned my space, I got loud, I made him more uncomfortable than he was making me, and he left.

Mind, you don't have to be towering like me to do this. Any person, man or woman, big or petite, can do any of this. Remember that they're inflicting discomfort on you and, if you can't disengage easily, they're open for like treatment.

Guilt doesn't have to be part of the female experience. Don't let it be.

 

[mattmizzno]

@carnage This. This is what I need to learn. I am in an unhealthy range, and I know in my heart of hearts is cause I'm scared shitless of making this unwanted attention worse. I have been combing the world for this sort of advice... thank you.

I think part of it is accepting that there's always risk. The social contract of "men shouldn't hurt women" is thin at best.

So yes. Taking up space and channelling strong energy outwards. I really think you're on to something here.