Losing weight = more unwanted attention/harassment?

[jesusdrumfreak96]

@milan45 This is so real. Have you read the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk? It’s about trauma and how our bodies hold on to traumas. The author discusses how people who’ve experienced abuse lose connection with their bodies. It’s also common to be overweight as a defense mechanism.

 

[kspark]

@milan45 I hear you. I work out quite a bit for my mental health (and physical). My weight fluctuates. A few years ago over a period of time when I was really stressed, I lost a lot of weight. I felt good channelling my energy towards gaining strength and focusing on my health, and I liked some of the changes in how I looked, and how it was easy to find things to wear. I also started to suddenly get a lot of unwanted and frankly uncomfortable attention. It got to the point that I was really hurt because some people who I considered my friends would hit on me and call attention to my body. I've since gained a lot of that weight back and while Im trying to find a healthy weight again I wonder how I can better protect myself this time if I get that kind of reaction from people.
Its really frustrating and unfortunate that we can't just live in our bodies and experience being in the world without also feeling unsafe and uncomfortable on a regular basis. Just adding my story to validate that what you are dealing with is not easy and youre not alone.

 

[vb73]

@milan45 I’m not sure if this fits with the spirit of the OP, but this summer I purchased a one piece swimsuit for the first time in many, many years. Not because of how I’m treated by men, but by women. Women are considerably less friendly when I’m in my two piece with a toned body. It makes me sad to be shunned by other moms at the pool simply because I take care of my body and watch my weight.

 

[sobon50]

@milan45 I was underweight most of my life. I was sexually abused as a kid by different people, I was raped and sexually assaulted in lesser ways later on in life multiple times.

I was severely anorexic from 12 on.

After getting kicked out of eating disorder treatment for throwing away food and being super stuck in the disorder I said fuck it and decided to go the other direction and get fat.
I figured I would become gross and unattractive so nobody would hurt me again. I went from 76lbs to where I am now in about 1 year.

Turns out I was wrong about becoming unattractive and not getting hurt again, but it's obviously cut down on the excessive amount of sexual misconduct towards me.

I do regret my rather extreme decision to ruin my body though.

 

[dawn16]

@milan45 I felt this way before i started lifting weights. I was skinny, but was so very weak and had bare minimum muscle mass, so I was really afraid of men especially because I felt so frail.

Girl, I can't even begin to tell you how much putting on muscle changed that for me. I'm so much stronger not just physically, but mentally too. I'm no longer constantly afraid, because I know I can put up a good fight if need be and don't look like an "easy target" anymore. I feel amazing, look better than ever, can actually lift my weight, and confidence went through the roof. I 100% recommend taking up weight lifting, or any physical activity that you enjoy to help put on muscle, so you can enjoy just existing without fear too.

 

[steveinalberta]

@milan45 I feel like it’s kind of safer all around. I have 2 young kids. When I go pick up my daughter at preschool I have to be careful what I wear. Wearing the same leggings and sweatshirt or jeans and t shirt that the other mom’s wear gets me a lot of dirty looks.

One day I went to get my daughter and I was wearing jeans and a sweater. Another mom wearing essentially the same outfit told me I shouldn’t dress like that in front of young children. The sweater wasn’t tight, it didn’t show my mid drift and was full length, it was a crew neck sweater so I didn’t show cleavage. My jeans weren’t obscenely low or tight. Just regular skinny jeans.

I was embarrassed because of how she made me feel. It showed more about her than it did about me but I feel like I have to be extra careful about what I wear or else I get harassed by other parents and labeled as a bad mom/ superficial/slutty just because I have a more athletic build

 

[richardparker]

@steveinalberta Time to start practicing comebacks/succinct and clear responses. I find when you elucidate that stuff in advance to yourself, you also feel more comfortable with the prospect of conflict and can just be yourself snd wear what you want.

 

[steveinalberta]

@richardparker My typical response is along the lines of “If your child treated others as you treated me, would that make you proud?” Basically I ask them if they teach their children to be mean and make them question the example they set for their own children.

But honestly, most people who act this way don’t really care that they are mean or if their kids are mean. It’s too hard for them to rise to the level of others so instead they try to tear them down

 

[dawn16]

@steveinalberta I don't have kids, but I will never understand this. Surely being a mom (especially of little ones) is hard enough--why the heck are some moms so mean to other moms? Based on what friends have told me, you can't win. Stay at home moms judge working moms and vice versa. And now you can't wear a crew neck sweater??? I'm sorry you deal with people like this. I wish women would be more supportive of each other.

 

[steveinalberta]

@dawn16 I totally agree. It shows more about them than it does about me, but I also am afraid to cause waves like this because these parents teach their kids. The last thing I want if for these kids to start picking on my child.

The last time another parent said something to me, I asked her if that is how she treated me is how she teaches her child to treat others as well. I feel like that is the biggest eye opener for those types of people. You can’t really teach kindness if you don’t show your child what kindness to others is.

 

[kinggan]

@steveinalberta Crazy! It’s not okay that you’re shamed for wearing the same thing other people wear. I hate that I feel the same way.

 

[wisdomofthefaith]

@milan45 Yup! Same thing. While this may not be a choice you want to make, I get less attention when I'm thin if I skip make-up and jewelry and pick looser fitting or less feminine clothing, and keep my hair very short. That works fine for me, but of course women should be able to wear whatever without guys taking it as an invitation to be approached.

I will say that as I get older it happens less as well. The kind of guys who are most likely to hit on or harass a woman in public seem to prefer women in their teens and twenties Not a reason I thought I'd look forward to aging, but there it is.

 

[targ]

@milan45 I live in an area with high rates of cat-calling, and it's annoying and it worries me. I don't feel safe going out at night because of it, and I get emotionally worn down by ignoring it constantly. One time a man stopped me in the street and initiated a conversation about how he hoped I knew how beautiful I was that morning. It was a waste of my time. Not to mention that people get mad when you just ignore them.

For those of you saying it's trauma: it's not. Not liking being harassed or even spoken to when you're minding your day does NOT mean you've experienced trauma.

 

[kingshellie]

@milan45 For the past year and a half I've been trying to be more confident with my style and try things I never dared to wear, like skirts, shorts, crop tops and dresses. My boobs have always been on the bigger side (34C but at some point I was a 36DD) and according to my friends I also have a big butt (which has gotten better defined with weightlifting).

It's a struggle every single day between choosing to dress in a way that'll make me feel cute, and put up with all the looks from men, judging stares from old people and possible cat calls, or hide my 'assets' yet feel like crap about my appearance.

But honestly, I've learnt it doesn't really matters. I've gotten cat called while walking in the rain, soaked wet, with a hoodie on. Walking to the beach, with my mom. Been checked out at the gym, wearing leggings, shorts, by trainers, by gym goers I consider friends. And all at different weights.

It's the men's fault, not yours or your body. Please don't let that keep you from working on yourself and achieving any physique/fitness goals that you have

 

[syra]

@kingshellie Catcalling really isn't about whether the men find you attractive or not, it's a thing they do to make you feel inferior.

 

[murphyblack]

@milan45 I live in a place where men know not to leer or comment on other people's appearance (women also don't do it for that matter). But I notice when I visited the US it was a HUGE difference. And so while I feel safe to loose the last 30 pounds where I live, I have planned to buy a fake wedding ring to wear in case I ever travel outside of Norway again as that lessen the attention. I also sometimes think "Thank God so many men find tattoos unattractive" because I love tattoos and plan to be covered neck to toes. So you are not alone in this, and I hope you are able to find a happy medium where you can can feel safe walking by yourself, but also healthy/strong enough to enjoy life with your loved ones.

I unfortunately have no advice, but you are not alone in this, and it's not a "you" problem

 

[christerz]

@milan45 I totally understand but my personal anecdotes have less to do with body image and more with my color pallet. When I dyed my hair ginger from black I was suddenly terrified that men could spot me from farther away. And I got comments like “HEY REDHEAD” or just simply a crackhead pointing at me and going “YO GINGER”. It would be amusing if all of them weren’t stronger/larger than me lol

 

[andrewcb]

@milan45 I FEEEEEEEL you girl! At first I was skinny, then I gained a ton of weight, then I got skinny again so I've been at both ends of the spectrum. I must say, although I hated being overweight because of how imprisoned I felt in my body (walking anywhere was a huge task), I will admit being invisible was a relief. I don't care what people think of me when they see me but I purposefully dress down in public because when they try to get MY attention and disturb MY peace just to express what they think, that's where I draw the line. My patience with people is very low. I get highly annoyed. Getting stared at is less annoying because I can just look away but please don't try to talk to me I'm NOT interested just go away.

 

[wiltedflower]

@milan45 I think it's interesting so many women here have experienced suddenly getting hit on after weight loss or only experiencing it after weight loss and feeling ignored while overweight. A lot of women I know who are substantially overweight say they get hit on ALL the time. I mean men don't all have the same preferences. I'm a petite fit person and I'm not exactly hideous but I almost never get hit on (although street harassment from cars almost always occurs if I'm walking alone) I'm just saying I don't think there's really any way to escape it, no matter what size you are, unfortunately. I don't know why some women seem to be more targeted than others.

 

[fivequestions]

@wiltedflower I think a lot of it has to do with the “vibe” you give off. When I was younger and not as confident I’d get catcalled and hit on a lot (I’ve been thin my whole life) but as I’ve gotten older I have way more confidence, and it shows, and I barely get hit on anymore. Men who catcall or hit on random women in an inappropriate way are usually insecure so they usually won’t do it to a woman who looks like they’ll call them out or somehow humiliate them.

Obviously this is not every case but it’s just from my personal experience.