Therapist wants me to accept myself at a bigger size

[66bookssss]

Hey everyone- so as the title says today my therapist told me that I should accept myself at a bigger size and I’m really upset about it. I’ve been at this bigger size for 2 years now and I’m still not happy with my body and after gaining a couple more pounds over summer I’ve decided to get into a small calorie deficit. For context I’m currently a U.K size 14/US size 10. She said she thought I was huge by the way that I was talking about my weight but she said that I don’t need to lose weight and I should just accept myself as I am and over the months I may lose weight. I felt very invalidated. I’m not obese and I carry my weight well and I feel like no one takes me seriously. She told me that she’s seen bigger women who are fit and and healthy and size/weight doesn’t matter. I told her that my body is sensitive to weight and that my lower back hurts and I feel heavy puffy and claustrophobic. I get out of breath when I go up the stairs. Maybe because I’m not morbidly obese is the reason why I’m not taken seriously. I only have 20-25 lbs to lose. I feel like I’ve become complacent and I’m ready to commit to sustainable weight loss (I have a history of ED and restriction) but she just wasn’t taking me seriously. She said what if you are a U.K. size 14 for the rest of your life? I’m just so upset and feel like she didn’t take me seriously- otherwise she’s been an amazing therapist.

 

[jakofhears]

@66bookssss Acceptance is not agreement. You can accept where you are while working on your goal. Acceptance and agreement are not the same thing. It’s more about a healthy perception while working on your goals

 

[exminhduy]

@jakofhears This is the best way to be. It took me a very long time to understand this.

 

[catdawgkimberly]

@66bookssss She may have gone a step further than needed, but I would think her point is that you need to accept yourself where you are. If you want to lose weight, build muscle, get more active, clean up your diet, etc. Go for it. But, you won't be happy and confident in yourself if you can't accept where you are and love your body for what it does.

With your history of ED (I am similar), I couldn't healthily work towards a stronger and lower body fat body until I found peace and acceptance with my body and where it was.

Sure you may want to improve, but happiness and contentment (though health is up to a point) should not be related to the clothing size you wear.

 

[66bookssss]

@catdawgkimberly I feel like I have accepted myself and that’s why for two years I’ve been stuck at this size. Now that I want to change telling me to just accept myself at this size wasn’t very helpful. Forcing body acceptance isn’t easy and it doesn’t work for everyone. I tried for two years and it didn’t work for me. Everyone is different.

 

[rossylisy]

@66bookssss Not accepting yourself as you are just means you will continue to have an eating disorder. It’s really up to you. If you don’t want to spend the rest of your life loathing how you look, I suggest that you hear her out.

 

[godenver1]

@rossylisy how do you accept your size while acknowledging you need/want to change?

 

[rossylisy]

@godenver1 It’s a dialectic. There are many books written on this topic. Check out Geneen Roth.

 

[66bookssss]

@rossylisy I have accepted myself that’s why I’ve been stuck like this for two years. Now that I want to change she’s not supporting me. But I will message her and see what she says.

 

[rossylisy]

@66bookssss I am not hearing that she isn’t supporting you. I am hearing her saying that you should focus on healthy behaviors and if you lose weight, great.

 

[66bookssss]

@rossylisy She isn’t supporting me. She doesn’t think I’m overweight enough to lose weight. My body is sensitive to weight gain. It feels achy and horrible. That’s what my main issue was.

 

[rossylisy]

@66bookssss That’s not what you said she said though. You said she said you aren’t overweight enough to focus on it to the extent that you are, to focus on healthy behavior instead, and if you lose weight, nifty.

 

[66bookssss]

@rossylisy Yes but it’s come to a point where I NEED to lose some weight because it’s affecting my health. I’ve had two years of being overweight and I’m tired of being like this. I do want to focus on loving my body though and that’s what matters. My therapist apologised which is good though and she knew she was wrong.

 

[rossylisy]

@66bookssss I am sure she apologized for upsetting you, but she wasn’t wrong.

 

[66bookssss]

@rossylisy Yes she was. You weren’t part of the session so you can’t be so sure!

 

[jen76]

@66bookssss You can love and accept yourself where you’re at and still want to improve.

like imagine you got grades that could be better.
There are 2 kinds of people.
There are people that are like “this is fine, I’ve done my best, but I want to do better and study more

And then there are people who believe they are absolute failures for getting a B

Guess which mindset is the most effective for growth and self acceptance

 

[66bookssss]

@jen76 The first one?

 

[zenlotuswarrior]

@66bookssss I see what you're trying to say: you have stayed at this size for two years so there must've been some acceptance from yourself. Zero tolerance would force you to lose it, I get it. I constantly think that, when I've tried and failed before, I must've not wanted it enough. But its not that, its technique.

But what I think (and I think she's probably - badly- trying to say) is the focus going forward shouldn't be the weight or dress size. It should be health. If you feel unhealthy at this weight, body recomp, lose some fat gain some muscle. But it shouldn't be a fixation on the weight and size. That's the healthier mindset I guess.

 

[66bookssss]

@zenlotuswarrior Thank you! I’ve been saying it so much that I’ve been at this weight for two years and I’ve accepted it. Now I’ve become complacent and I’m finally ready for change and my therapist wasn’t supporting me. Of course I’m focusing on health too- I’m eating 2500 calories on average (I have to track loosely otherwise I can undereat) and doing gentle Pilates as well as prioritising protein and recovery. Slow and sustainable weight loss is not bad.

 

[irishamerican4christ]

@66bookssss you cannot hate yourself into oblivion to get better