Therapist wants me to accept myself at a bigger size

@christianpessimist I guess I just didn’t like the fact that she didn’t validate my feelings. Of course you should accept yourself as you are but if I need to change then I need to understand that I can’t be complacent anymore.
 
@66bookssss Not every feeling needs to be validated. I feel like internet therapy speak has really hammered "your feelings are valid" sentiments into our heads, but there's a disturbing lack of nuance to that type of sentiment. Your feelings are valid in the sense that you are a human being experiencing a very real emotion, and whether it's illogical or misplaced or understandable or overblown is completely irrelevant to how real it feels. It feels very real and it will affect you. It's okay to acknowledge that. But you don't need to indulge it or boast it either. I have very destructive feelings sometimes that do not need to be "validated." They need to be addressed, or reframed, or just worked through. But not validated.

I hope that helps because I understand how frustrating and dismissive it can feel, especially coming from a therapist. But I think she truly said it with your longterm best interest at heart. Validating your feelings might feel immediately good, but it might not be helpful in the longterm. You have to sometimes go through the hardships and unpleasantries now to pave the way for a healthier mindset.
 
@paulclays Thank you 🙏🏻 maybe she was trying to protect me but I feel like she took it too far. Quite often my feelings are not validated and I understand if they are negative but my feelings were not negative. I’m feeling the negative effects of excessive weight and it’s not all in my head. I want to feel lighter and more confident and it’s not extreme to think like that.
 
@66bookssss I think from what I can see and from a similar ED history, that she is trying to redirect you away from thinking about what the number on the scale or the pair of pants you are buying says. That doesn't mean no self improvement, it means reframing how you measure said improvement.

What I think she is getting at is trying to get you to see that the pain and puffiness issues you are feeling bad about can be addressed without ever focusing on "loosing weight" as a goal. You don't need to loose weight for those problems, you need to gain strength and adjust what you are eating to foods that make you feel better. Weight gain or loss plays nothing into it. You need to make changes on how they improve how you feel in your body, and not how they improve the number on the scale.

This can mean weight loss, but it also might mean weight gain if it turns out you need to build more muscle to support your joints. Neither of those necessarily have to actually change the size and shape you are depending on how you adjust your eating habits.

I don't think your therapist is telling you not to improve, but that the target of improvement is not quite set properly.
 
@victor15 I don’t have an ED- I have an ED history! There’s a difference. I’m fully recovered now. I just feel icky and want to lose a bit of weight but because I’m not enormous I’m not taken seriously.
 
@66bookssss I don’t think it’s because you’re not “enormous” you’re taking that and adding it to what she said. You keep repeating no one takes you seriously . No one is going to obsess about it lien you do because it’s not affecting your health adversely to the point of needing intervention. Her job is MENTAL health which is key to physical health too. Listen to her she’s doing her job well. Stop looking to be the victim - you’re not . You have the power you don’t need false sense of “validation” to be proactive. You’re using it as an excuse , to be blunt .
 
@kanelee5 I said I feel back pain and achy…who are you to tell me what is and isn’t true? Yes people aren’t taking me seriously and I don’t appreciate your tone.
 
@66bookssss Okay . Do you. I’m not your therapist. You should talk to the person your paying to help you with this. You clearly are missing what she’s saying and looking for validation online . communicate with your therapist if you feel invalidated and let her clear things up. You’re misunderstanding . She’s not doing anything wrong .

Source /
BA in mental health and counseling / masters student in psyc and education. Mental health professional : Life coach. Trauma group coordinator .
 
@66bookssss
  1. People slip back into ED all the time. What are you talking about?
  2. Did you want her to say oh yeah you’re fat af lose weight? You can take what you want from therapy. I don’t listen to everything my therapist says. I consider it and form my own opinion. Like everyone else has said you can accept yourself and lose weight. Those are actually two separate things… just because you lose weight doesn’t mean you’ll automatically love yourself. I think you’re getting caught up in technicalities. Like she’s not saying don’t ever exercise don’t eat healthy ?? That’s all you need to lose weight anyway. When it comes from a place of love it hits different.
  3. Why do you need her to validate that you feel fat? I think you need to reframe YOUR mindset. I don’t need anyone to tell me to lose weight - in fact everyone says I don’t need to - but I want to and that’s enough. I just feel better skinnier. Related to the above, maybe dig in to why you need your therapist to agree with you about this.
 
@66bookssss Ahhh, that’s not how EDs works. Fellow disordered eating person here (for the past 25 years), who has gone through therapy too. EDs are for life; they are a constant battle. You have an ED even if it is not active in terms of your behaviors, the fact that you aren’t acknowledging this is a red flag.

Your post and your responses to comments all scream ED to me. Your ED is impacting the way you think about yourself, your weight, and your therapists advice. It’s winning right now, but you can’t see that at the moment.
 
@66bookssss They are all defensive and come across as you feeling attacked, when no one is attacking you. And it appears that you are rejecting comments that don’t align with what you already think about yourself.

Your therapist is likely seeing disordered eating thought patterns, which is why she’s giving you the advice she is. Eating disorders are insidious and so so hard for us to see at times, especially when we think we have them under control. You say she is an amazing therapist other than this session, so what is making you struggle with accepting what she said this time?

Edit: forgot a word
 
@tenthyoung That’s just my personality 😂 I’m a naturally defensive person. What now? We must all have the same personality? And no I haven’t been defensive about all the comments. Just the ones that I don’t agree with. Just got a message from my therapist and she apologised for not validating me wanting to lose weight just because she thought I wasn’t overweight enough.
Also- FYI I’ve been suffering from health conditions due to my weight such as PCOS and back aches and unable to go up and down the stairs easily. That’s enough reason for me to want to lose weight.
 
@66bookssss Even in this comment about someone calling you out for being overly defensive you double down. Being overly defensive indicates a strong unwillingness to do some self-reflection.
 
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