Therapist wants me to accept myself at a bigger size
- Thread starter 66bookssss
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@66bookssss You don't get PCOS from gaining weight.
66bookssss
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@66bookssss Honestly I know people get pissy about this, but I hear you. I recovered from anorexia nine years ago and have been slowly, healthily, carefully losing weight for the last year after having gained a lot of weight due to unrelated physical illnesses that I’ve been dealing with. I hate the way people talk about EDs as a force outside of you that never ever goes away - it’s not totally wrong, but it’s overly simplistic and not always applicable.
It’s completely possible to lose weight after having had an ED, you just have to be careful. Personally, I ran it by my doctors, therapist, and psychiatrist first. I’d also be mindful of how long you’ve been recovering or recovered, and I’d get people around you to support you - they should know what your plan is and call you out if you eat less or exercise too much. And if you’re new to recovery, I’d wait.
Your therapist sounds like a HAES proponent, which some people love but I personally find it harmful. It’s very trendy right now. It was a good idea at first, but it’s gone way off the rails imo, and I know that a HAES therapist would have been deeply unhelpful to me when I was recovering. For other people, it’s transformatively healing. Ymmv! There are other options, and other therapists who might be a better fit for you.
All of that said, I do think there’s value in accepting yourself no matter what. One thing that gaining 40 unnecessary pounds taught me is that I love myself no matter what, and that was actually a really valuable lesson! I felt uncomfortable in my body, but it had nothing to do with my sense of self worth, and I’m glad I learnt that about myself.
It’s completely possible to lose weight after having had an ED, you just have to be careful. Personally, I ran it by my doctors, therapist, and psychiatrist first. I’d also be mindful of how long you’ve been recovering or recovered, and I’d get people around you to support you - they should know what your plan is and call you out if you eat less or exercise too much. And if you’re new to recovery, I’d wait.
Your therapist sounds like a HAES proponent, which some people love but I personally find it harmful. It’s very trendy right now. It was a good idea at first, but it’s gone way off the rails imo, and I know that a HAES therapist would have been deeply unhelpful to me when I was recovering. For other people, it’s transformatively healing. Ymmv! There are other options, and other therapists who might be a better fit for you.
All of that said, I do think there’s value in accepting yourself no matter what. One thing that gaining 40 unnecessary pounds taught me is that I love myself no matter what, and that was actually a really valuable lesson! I felt uncomfortable in my body, but it had nothing to do with my sense of self worth, and I’m glad I learnt that about myself.
jeniforjesus
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@66bookssss If you didn’t feel like she validated how you were feeling, I would consider bringing it up to her in your next session. Giving feedback on what is helpful or unhelpful will better your therapeutic relationship. Just like normal people, therapists aren’t mind readers and they misspeak too (source: former therapist).
Weight discussion is such a sensitive topic and it’d be unethical for her to give you unsolicited advice about losing weight. She probably heard negative self talk and was responding to that. You say you’ve been complacent, which isn’t the nicest thing you can say about yourself, but I can understand why you’d feel that way.
I’d encourage you to look at your last few years as a hibernation. We can’t be ON in all aspects of our lives all the time. The pandemic was a whirlwind that upended all of our routines. Now that you’re coming out of a time of rest, you’re motivated to love yourself in a different way. Eating healthy and exercising are great practices to build self esteem. It’s also healthy for your mind to focus more on how you’re feeling versus how you look in the mirror, especially if you have a history of ED.
Weight discussion is such a sensitive topic and it’d be unethical for her to give you unsolicited advice about losing weight. She probably heard negative self talk and was responding to that. You say you’ve been complacent, which isn’t the nicest thing you can say about yourself, but I can understand why you’d feel that way.
I’d encourage you to look at your last few years as a hibernation. We can’t be ON in all aspects of our lives all the time. The pandemic was a whirlwind that upended all of our routines. Now that you’re coming out of a time of rest, you’re motivated to love yourself in a different way. Eating healthy and exercising are great practices to build self esteem. It’s also healthy for your mind to focus more on how you’re feeling versus how you look in the mirror, especially if you have a history of ED.
gods_eternal_child
New member
@jeniforjesus Fully agree about bringing it up with her - processing the invalidation feelings with her is so important to the therapy being helpful in the long run.
jeniforjesus
New member
@gods_eternal_child Yes! Even if the therapist spoke with the best intent, it doesn’t take away the painful feeling of being invalidated. Others have said that not every feeling needs to be validated, and while that can be true, it’s important for the client to feel heard and empathized with. I think that’s what the OP might be getting at. Yes, the therapist has a great point about self acceptance and was trying to dissuade negative self talk, but OP also has a great point in wanting to feel better physically by losing weight in a sustainable way. It sounds like a miscommunication.
66bookssss
New member
@jeniforjesus Thank you! You are so right- I need to let go of the past and focus on what I can do in a sustainable way 
jeniforjesus
New member
@66bookssss You’re welcome! No one has ever successfully shamed themselves into loving their body. If you hear yourself thinking in a way that sounds critical, try to pause and rephrase. For example, I have been trying to exercise more so I can have more fun running around with my dog. Some days, I don’t feel well and I choose to love my body by resting. It’s all about balance. Sending you well wishes!
@66bookssss Sounds like you already understand that. The stress is making you defensive and she did a good job advising you how to be healthier cognitively which is her job and what you’re laying her for
chrisdmeadows
New member
@66bookssss By saying, you should accept yourself now and focus on healthy habits she is validating your feelings. Your feelings are eating disordered thinking.
66bookssss
New member
@chrisdmeadows No they are not 
read my other comments.
read my other comments.@66bookssss I agree that you should be able to accept yourself at a bigger size. You should be able to have the self compassion to accept yourself at any size.
There's a big difference between wanting to lose weight because you can't accept yourself in a larger body vs. wanting to lose weight because you genuinely care for your own health.
When I was at my heaviest, I had learned to accept myself as I was. That was the most empowering and helpful thing for me as I consciously started losing weight because I knew that I would never relapse into an ED again. Especially coming from a place of prior ED, that self-acceptance is so, so important.
There's a big difference between wanting to lose weight because you can't accept yourself in a larger body vs. wanting to lose weight because you genuinely care for your own health.
When I was at my heaviest, I had learned to accept myself as I was. That was the most empowering and helpful thing for me as I consciously started losing weight because I knew that I would never relapse into an ED again. Especially coming from a place of prior ED, that self-acceptance is so, so important.
66bookssss
New member
@66bookssss I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what your therapist said. You can accept yourself as you are now AND still work the long game toward losing weight. Keep your goal in mind but don’t forget to enjoy your life along the way.
66bookssss
New member
@66bookssss “Said that I don’t need to lose weight and I should just accept myself as I am and over the months I may lose the weight.”
I don’t think she was telling you to stop trying to lose weight, but you may be interpreting it that way. Sounds like she is saying you don’t need to lose weight in order to accept yourself. Which is true!
I don’t think she was telling you to stop trying to lose weight, but you may be interpreting it that way. Sounds like she is saying you don’t need to lose weight in order to accept yourself. Which is true!
66bookssss
New member
@66bookssss I don't know your therapist or how she communicated that, but I can see how part of acceptance comes from reframing that need part. At a US size 10, you do not need to lose weight. Your health is not in danger and I presume your body isn't under heavy strain.
You do not need it. But you can definitely want it.
I am close to that size as well and I've struggled to dip under 140 lbs these last two years. I just dipped under to 137 lbs and it's hard and annoying but I have to also accept that objectively I'm fine. I don't need to beat myself up over wanting a flat stomach or wanting to be leaner or whatever else. That tends to lead me into a lot of disregulated emotions and I start obsessing over the perfect weight. None of that means I want to stay at this size. I don't feel my most fit, comfortable, or confident at this size and would ideally prefer to be at least 10 lbs lighter. But desperation is only going to turn to resentment and anger and it won't let me progress on my goals while also being kind and patience with myself. I truly believe patience needs kindness to persevere.
Just some food for thought. Your desire to change is valid, but it isn't a necessity, and that's okay. That's good even.
You do not need it. But you can definitely want it.
I am close to that size as well and I've struggled to dip under 140 lbs these last two years. I just dipped under to 137 lbs and it's hard and annoying but I have to also accept that objectively I'm fine. I don't need to beat myself up over wanting a flat stomach or wanting to be leaner or whatever else. That tends to lead me into a lot of disregulated emotions and I start obsessing over the perfect weight. None of that means I want to stay at this size. I don't feel my most fit, comfortable, or confident at this size and would ideally prefer to be at least 10 lbs lighter. But desperation is only going to turn to resentment and anger and it won't let me progress on my goals while also being kind and patience with myself. I truly believe patience needs kindness to persevere.
Just some food for thought. Your desire to change is valid, but it isn't a necessity, and that's okay. That's good even.
66bookssss
New member
@paulclays Thank you this was helpful