How to deal with missing out socially because of workouts?

[shawntavia]

@haithai01 Perhaps not super helpful, but I run 40-50 miles/week and go to the gym for 1-1.5 hours 1-2x/week, but my entire social group runs 50-90 miles/week (and gym probably 0-2x/week), so, "Sorry, can't come, I still have to run," is like... actually just about the most valid excuse my social group has." My bf runs about the same amount as me, so we either run together, or just meet up before/after the run. I wouldn't mind if he had to reschedule a date because he was genuinely unable to fit in an (actually important) run earlier, but then again, we're not doing any super fancy dates anyway.

Real-talk, though, try planning your schedule ahead. If I know I'm going to have some sort of social event upcoming outside of my primary social group, though (like a work happy hour), I'll work my schedule so that on that day, I run in the morning. If that means I'm up at 5:30, then so be it. Largely I much prefer running after work, but sometimes I have to suck it up and go before!

One thing I really feel no obligation to attend is a happy hour spring on me 1 hour before the workday. No, I'm sorry, if you'd given me notice about this a few days ago I would have been happy to come, but I have something I need to do after work, and I don't feel guilty about skipping something for which I had literally 1 hour's notice.

 

[msavage]

@haithai01 I feel you need to priorities and compromises, I really hate missing gym sessions but I wont let it interfere with my social life.

 

[dawn16]

@haithai01 This is my exact schedule.

At first it was difficult because when I made a major lifestyle change, I was basically asking them to adapt to my new schedule too.

I ask people to do things on weekends, and they usually ask me on weekends (I make week day exceptions for birthdays and holidays).

I've managed to keep all of my friends.

It hasn't been without its challenges, though.

For example, I have a friend who is usually busy on weekends, but can do things on Thursday night. I rearranged my schedule last week to get the gym done earlier in the day to make room for Thursday night. I've never offered to do this before, so I thought I'd try it. She canceled on me at the last minute. Yesterday she asked to hang out again this Thursday. I'm not rearranging my schedule again, so I agreed to meet around 8, straight after the gym. I'll be in gym clothes, and I'll be shoveling my dinner from a bin, but we can sit and catch up for an hour or so before I need to go home.

I hope I don't lose friends, but if I do, I'll make new friends. I don't know what else to say.. sometimes a major lifestyle change means moving in new circles and making new connections. I've been as flexible with my friends as I can be while honoring my personal goals.

 

[dawn16]

First of all, dude here, full disclosure. I related to this and OP's post a lot, though. My workout schedule is M - F, with rest days built in on weekends (one of them is for cardio), because duh, they're weekends and that's when you'd assume most people are free to be social if you work a regular job, right? Evidently not this day in age, though. It's as if people have two different kinds of social lives, where there's the weekdays for hanging out, dinner, trivia nights, dates, and then "super special" weekends for things more intense like going away or somebody's huge birthday bash.

I'm going off on a tangent here, but I'm like you where I'm very willing to rearrange my workout schedule if there's a band playing a show I want to go to, or I'm given advance notice otherwise. I'm pretty good at rearranging my workouts accordingly, but don't want to make habit of it. Bad weather days where the gym is closed are a good reminder that even if I didn't work out during the week, I'd just be sitting at home doing nothing without plans, so it's tough for me to justify putting social flexibility on weekdays ahead of a reliable gym routine. Come weekends, I struggle to find social plans, though.

I'm not a fan of group workouts because they just aren't my style, but you'd think us fitness-minded people would have figured out a way to build better social networks at our gyms. One of mine is mostly guys, and not the kind I'd like to associate with unfortunately. Still, I think it's telling that come Friday evening, that gym is filled with plenty of them.

 

[dawn16]

Are you living my life...?

You're so right about weekdays vs. weekends. I do see my friends less even though my weekends are available because my friends are usually busy. I do most of my chores after the gym during the week because weekends are suppose to be for fun, right?

I used to take it personally. Am I not fun enough to be a "weekend" friend? Isn't a "week day" friend just a hair above watching tv on the couch? How close are we, really, when I can't invite you to go to the beach Sunday afternoon without it being a Major Planning event?

Once I had to schedule doing a puzzle together a month in advance.

Clearly, I'm the one moving against the grain. It's just such a weird thing to discover. You know people for years, and then BOOM, crickets.. because you set aside weekends for fun. I thought it was the default!

I feel the same way about the gym... I talk to people, but we aren't friends. Why not?

Maybe I should start a social group for night time gym goers. Surely someone will want to mountain bike or go to the beach on a weekend!

 

[ally143]

@dawn16 My whole social group is largely based on friends who will go out and do various active things as social time. Mountain biking, hiking the dogs, rock climbing. It is definitely a major stage-of-life thing though, as we're all in the thin of it with adulty crap like overtime and house renovations, so everyone's on the same page in terms of weeknights being a write off for our respective life-improvement-efforts, be they health, home, financial, or otherwise. We hang on weekends and text on weekdays.

 

[dawn16]

@ally143 Yes! My social groups were like this in my 20s and early 30s.

Now I'm 40, and most of my friends are in their 40s.. maybe life-stage has nothing to do with the shift to "weekdays are for friends, weekends are for me" but it kind of feels like it.

 

[dawn16]

THIS x 1,000. I've dealt with the same socializing grievances where I've thought those same things about whether other people have different categories for friends of value where certain ones get weekend priority, and the rest are there just to bide over their boredom when nothing else is going on haha. I don't think it's unreasonable either to expect that the two days of the week where you don't work would be the best days possible to do something socially.

It is hard not to take it personally, though, when it becomes obvious that they've corralled you into the friend they merely catch up with for dinner or coffee for an hour, and then come the weekend, they post Instagrams of their #squad shots doing something they very well could have invited you to and introduced you to anyone you don't know in the process. I have a friend who, come to think of it, I haven't hung out with for a year now, and the reason was because we'd always go to shows and concerts together, but then I began to notice how she'd agree to them but they weren't her priority for the night. She'd have other plans for the weekend with other people, and would arrive at the show last minute, and we'd barely catch up. Bah...

This is a subject I'd actually love to keep talking about, so feel free to private me, because I'm in my 30s, a single dude, love the gym, have unique interests and tastes in music, and I just feel like the biggest unwanted invisible weirdo out there in the world since my social life is just crickets.

 

[thefriendlyvillager]

@haithai01 I usually work out in the morning, but lately there has been a shift in my workout schedule and I sometimes do two-a-days that cut into my evenings, too.

One option is to include my friends in my workouts! I am teaching one friend to lift so twice a week she joins me at the gym and I help answer her questions and help her get motivated since she knows I'll be there waiting for her. I have another friend who attends yoga sometimes in the evenings/weekends and I join her. And I have a group of friends that love to climb so sometimes I join them climbing.

For my less physically active friends, I set aside one night a week (usually Friday, sometimes Saturday) for spending time with people. Usually we hang out at someone's house but sometimes we get dinner or go to a bar or a movie. If they don't initiate something to do, then I organize it myself because it's my one night to hang out!

I also take Sunday mornings to call one family member (rotates between my mom, my sister, and my dad) and one old friend (rotates through a bunch of friends from college and one from high school who live far away) I want to keep up with. This also helps me feel less lonely and keeps me in touch with the people that mean the most to me.

 

[dawn16]

@thefriendlyvillager I love the Sunday morning phone call idea! I move a lot and it's hard to keep up with people. Might have to adopt this!

 

[mrsbentine]

@haithai01 I’ve been dealing with this a lot lately. I’d just skip my workout. For the most part this is why I prefer to workout in the morning.

 

[nate4545]

@haithai01 It's a choice- you are sacrificing the immediate for the greater good. Own that choice and if you are not happy with the results change your schedule.

Not sure what other advice there could be?

Personally I wouldn't feel as if I was missing out on anything substantial.