malonepuwa
New member
@wiltedflower Yeah, I’m almost 245 lbs and although I don’t get hit on by men in a positive way (i.e. I’m never noticed as a potential woman to date), I have been cat called, harassed, followed, etc.
Losing weight = more unwanted attention/harassment?
- Thread starter milan45
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mom2brandy
New member
@milan45 That is exactly where I’m at too. High school was 120, now I’m 185. I “wear my weight well” meaning it’s evenly distributed so I don’t look as heavy as I am. I eat healthy, go on long walks, and try to make the healthier option when given the chance. But I honestly feel more like myself when I’m bigger. I genuinely think I look better overweight than I did when I was skinny. Maybe with enough therapy and time from my childhood trauma I’ll feel more comfortable being skinny, but right now the biggest risk to my health is bad mental health, not my weight.
Sorry I turned that into stuff about me, but I hope you know you’re not alone in your feelings and mental health is just as important as physical
Sorry I turned that into stuff about me, but I hope you know you’re not alone in your feelings and mental health is just as important as physical
@mom2brandy Hey. Sorry that happened to you. I’m not trying to be selfish or make it about me either, but I feel similarly to you.
It’s totally possible that you do look better with more weight on. I don’t think weight loss is necessarily a universal “glow up” for everyone. As long as you’re healthy, I truly do not think size or the number on the scale matters. It’s your body and your mind. If this is how you feel better, go for it.
I have been very skinny and quite fat. I didn’t like how I felt or looked very skinny or when I was more overweight. I’m still considered overweight, but I like how I look and feel a lot better even though I’m overweight. I have more muscle now, and I find that empowering. Technically I should lose more weight, but it’s not a priority. However, I do wish to be more careful with my food choices because I hope it’ll help my mental health.
I noticed when I was skinny, I had a lot of harassment. I hated it. It scared me. I didn’t feel safe. Then I gained weight and cut my hair short and no longer got harassed. It was freeing, but I also didn’t really being at my heaviest. I do not look forward to the harassment if I lose more weight, but I do think I guess I’ll just have to deal with it when it comes. I plan on investing in a taser or pepper spray or something and take a self defense course.
So in short you got this. I feel similarly so you’re not alone. Fuck the patriarchy.
It’s totally possible that you do look better with more weight on. I don’t think weight loss is necessarily a universal “glow up” for everyone. As long as you’re healthy, I truly do not think size or the number on the scale matters. It’s your body and your mind. If this is how you feel better, go for it.
I have been very skinny and quite fat. I didn’t like how I felt or looked very skinny or when I was more overweight. I’m still considered overweight, but I like how I look and feel a lot better even though I’m overweight. I have more muscle now, and I find that empowering. Technically I should lose more weight, but it’s not a priority. However, I do wish to be more careful with my food choices because I hope it’ll help my mental health.
I noticed when I was skinny, I had a lot of harassment. I hated it. It scared me. I didn’t feel safe. Then I gained weight and cut my hair short and no longer got harassed. It was freeing, but I also didn’t really being at my heaviest. I do not look forward to the harassment if I lose more weight, but I do think I guess I’ll just have to deal with it when it comes. I plan on investing in a taser or pepper spray or something and take a self defense course.
So in short you got this. I feel similarly so you’re not alone. Fuck the patriarchy.
originalwasbetter
New member
@milan45 I feel this.
After college, I took up a part-time retail job because I didn't get into grad school and I thought that I'd finally take a break from schooling. I was able to focus on myself and start dieting and exercising regularly (at home using youtube). I lost 30 pounds and started getting lots of compliments. It was nice at first because they were mostly coming from friends and family.
However one day, I was working the men's section and an older gentleman (like grandfather age with a cane) asked me for help. I helped him and he asked if we were the same race and if I spoke the language. I told him I was and I only spoke a little bit of the language but I did understand it. I continued working, but throughout my shift, I'd hear him come near me and say in the language: You have the body of a coca-cola bottle. How beautiful.
Luckily I got called away to help out in other areas, but it seemed that no matter where I went, he was around and he kept saying the same thing. He was even there with his wife and he said it once her back was turned! I didn't know what to say and I was working so I was worried if I made a stink at him, I'd get in trouble. I was getting increasingly worked up. The manager was busy because maintenance workers were coming in. So I went to my supervisor and begged her if I could finish my shift working in the back room. She had my back and told everyone else that she needed me with her and to call other people to help until I was off.
That one incident really damaged my self-confidence for awhile and it made me paranoid to go back to work. It took a couple years of trying new things and then dropping them and my weight fluctuating along with it before I found powerlifting. Building up my strength and having structured workouts was a godsend for my mental and emotional health. If I lose weight along the way, great, but it's no longer the center of my fitness and that's really what makes the difference for me.
After college, I took up a part-time retail job because I didn't get into grad school and I thought that I'd finally take a break from schooling. I was able to focus on myself and start dieting and exercising regularly (at home using youtube). I lost 30 pounds and started getting lots of compliments. It was nice at first because they were mostly coming from friends and family.
However one day, I was working the men's section and an older gentleman (like grandfather age with a cane) asked me for help. I helped him and he asked if we were the same race and if I spoke the language. I told him I was and I only spoke a little bit of the language but I did understand it. I continued working, but throughout my shift, I'd hear him come near me and say in the language: You have the body of a coca-cola bottle. How beautiful.
Luckily I got called away to help out in other areas, but it seemed that no matter where I went, he was around and he kept saying the same thing. He was even there with his wife and he said it once her back was turned! I didn't know what to say and I was working so I was worried if I made a stink at him, I'd get in trouble. I was getting increasingly worked up. The manager was busy because maintenance workers were coming in. So I went to my supervisor and begged her if I could finish my shift working in the back room. She had my back and told everyone else that she needed me with her and to call other people to help until I was off.
That one incident really damaged my self-confidence for awhile and it made me paranoid to go back to work. It took a couple years of trying new things and then dropping them and my weight fluctuating along with it before I found powerlifting. Building up my strength and having structured workouts was a godsend for my mental and emotional health. If I lose weight along the way, great, but it's no longer the center of my fitness and that's really what makes the difference for me.
@originalwasbetter God I'm so sorry, how gross.
gpscott2000
New member
@milan45 Sexual assault and harassment is not about attraction, it’s about power. I hear you and your experience is valid. Maybe you feel safer, maybe it’s easier to hide.
At the same time, fat people also experience street harassment, cat calling, groping, people taking nonconsensual photos of them, rape, sexual battery, all of it. So I’m not sure that I would equate “skinny” and “hotness” with “increased risk of sexual violence.” Tbh that kind of attitude feels incredibly dismissive of the experiences of survivors who weren’t conventionally attractive.
At the same time, fat people also experience street harassment, cat calling, groping, people taking nonconsensual photos of them, rape, sexual battery, all of it. So I’m not sure that I would equate “skinny” and “hotness” with “increased risk of sexual violence.” Tbh that kind of attitude feels incredibly dismissive of the experiences of survivors who weren’t conventionally attractive.
chamberlain94
New member
@gpscott2000
It can absolutely be about attraction and a predator/attacker being attracted to someone, for whatever reason. Attraction and sexual desire are NOT mutually exclusive from sexual assaults, cat-calling and harassment.
STOP SPREADING THIS STUPID FUCKING MYTH!
It can absolutely be about attraction and a predator/attacker being attracted to someone, for whatever reason. Attraction and sexual desire are NOT mutually exclusive from sexual assaults, cat-calling and harassment.
@chamberlain94 I actually said up some where above that it's about power but you are completely right and I appreciate you sharing that!
@milan45 I'm sorry about how you felt when you were skinny. That said, there's no inherent need to lose weight in the first place. Being overweight isn't necessarily unhealthy.
You can be overweight and still pass every strength test and all your blood tests with flying colors. You can be underweight and fail to meet these measures. (And even if you did fail, unless you have extenuating health circumstances, you'd likely still live a very long life.)
My only point is that being overweight should not be your only reason for wanting to lose weight, especially if you like where you are now.
EDIT: I also wanted to reiterate that it's men who should change their behaviour and your body shouldn't be a reflection of their energy towards you no matter what it looks like. But also changing your weight to fit an accepted standard brings about anxiety in a different form.
You can be overweight and still pass every strength test and all your blood tests with flying colors. You can be underweight and fail to meet these measures. (And even if you did fail, unless you have extenuating health circumstances, you'd likely still live a very long life.)
My only point is that being overweight should not be your only reason for wanting to lose weight, especially if you like where you are now.
EDIT: I also wanted to reiterate that it's men who should change their behaviour and your body shouldn't be a reflection of their energy towards you no matter what it looks like. But also changing your weight to fit an accepted standard brings about anxiety in a different form.
@milan45 I have had a pixie cut since 2004 or so. The one time I tried growing it out, I realized I was being harassed on a regular basis. Nothing extensive or scary, just a lot more street attention than I was used to. I missed my pixie anyway so I chopped it all off again and...the harassment decreased again.
For the record, appearing more gender variant comes with its own special harassment opportunities! I know weight, clothing and haircuts can't actually protect people from harassment, but good god it's disheartening to see how creepers can feel more entitled to you based on certain traits.
For the record, appearing more gender variant comes with its own special harassment opportunities! I know weight, clothing and haircuts can't actually protect people from harassment, but good god it's disheartening to see how creepers can feel more entitled to you based on certain traits.
@sam805 Yeah.
- The one time I grew my hair out from my usual spiky + short, I picked up a dude who would follow me in my car as I pulled out of the transit station at night. This stopped when I shaved my head and lost the ponytail.
- After I was fat, I was shocked to find the gendered + queer slurs I’ve always had shouted at me from cars and passerby... just stopped.
littlewarrior
New member
@milan45 I am 100% in the same boat as you right now. I had sexual abuse in my life as a child/early teen then lost weight and was skinny for my late teens and most of my 20’s. I then experienced a year of constant sexual harassment at my job and in the last few months of working there/few months after finishing, I gained 20kg.
I know this was a direct response to both the harassment and the harassment also bringing up undealt with issues from my childhood but it 100% seemed safer to let myself get overweight and also dress in as unrevealing clothes as possible.
I’ve now been struggling for several months to lose the weight again and it hasn’t budged mostly because I know it’s more of a mental issue than a physical one.
In the last couple of weeks I’ve switched to focusing on goals such as ‘run x kms a day’ which I agree definitely helps. I’m also focusing on more healing the mental stuff so meditation, yoga, affirmations ie ‘I am safe’ and journaling.
It’s hard trusting that the world is ultimately good and safe but it is necessary for our health at the end of the day, so I’m putting the effort in.
I know this was a direct response to both the harassment and the harassment also bringing up undealt with issues from my childhood but it 100% seemed safer to let myself get overweight and also dress in as unrevealing clothes as possible.
I’ve now been struggling for several months to lose the weight again and it hasn’t budged mostly because I know it’s more of a mental issue than a physical one.
In the last couple of weeks I’ve switched to focusing on goals such as ‘run x kms a day’ which I agree definitely helps. I’m also focusing on more healing the mental stuff so meditation, yoga, affirmations ie ‘I am safe’ and journaling.
It’s hard trusting that the world is ultimately good and safe but it is necessary for our health at the end of the day, so I’m putting the effort in.
redbutler10
New member
@milan45 I can relate to this so much. I’ve had a few weight swings over my life and currently I am at the smallest in my adult life. My family harass me with “compliments” every time they see me and I shut down every time. I know I’m probably healthier now but I hate that losing weight suddenly becomes free reign to comment on my body. I try to just say thanks but the try to turn it into a whole detailed conversation. Like you said OP, I just want to blend in and not be noticed.
colaflavourchewits
New member
@anonyq1 I don't quite know if I'm attractive because I have always hidden myself behind baggy clothes, undone hair, no make up and a resting bitch face. I have seldom been harassed or catcalled but I don't know if it's because of the attitudes I have taken to protect myself or because I'm actually hideous.
@colaflavourchewits It could also be how you live. If you walk everywhere and live in a busy city you are going to get catcalled and harassed considerably more than if you live in the country and just drive to work and back or whatever the case might be. I bet you're gorgeous
@anonyq1 I recently shaved my head and just like that the male attention I get has dropped to almost zero. Men glance at me then quickly look away. I don’t know if it’s because they assume I’m gay, or I don’t look traditionally feminine enough for them to bother, or they worry I’m gonna go Furiosa on their ass, and I don’t care. It makes me love my buzz cut even more.
Also, wearing a mask every day is great. No one tells me to smile or gets in my space.
Also, wearing a mask every day is great. No one tells me to smile or gets in my space.