Therapist wants me to accept myself at a bigger size
- Thread starter 66bookssss
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- petite fitness rant
@66bookssss If you want to change then listen to your therapist. Work out more . Eat better. Losing weight isn’t rocket science . She isnt going feed into you being so distraught over this when it isn’t a big issue. What are you really mad about? What’s really going on under the weight? Hope u figure it out .
@enoughhomeless Yeah, and actually in my European country at US size 10 I can't easily find clothes.
jlegette78
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@66bookssss Accepting yourself is a start, not an end. Hear me out.
She’s trying to tell you to accept that this is your body, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. Now, I know you want to lose weight to stop feeling achy and to gain muscle: that’s great! But she’s not trying necessarily to tell you not to do that, but instead to recognize that if you don’t start liking yourself now it won’t magically happen later
I can tell you first hand. It’s really hard to separate it, and if she ignores that you feel achy and not good that’s not great of course, but it’s really hard to hate yourself into feeling good.
She’s trying to tell you to accept that this is your body, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. Now, I know you want to lose weight to stop feeling achy and to gain muscle: that’s great! But she’s not trying necessarily to tell you not to do that, but instead to recognize that if you don’t start liking yourself now it won’t magically happen later
I can tell you first hand. It’s really hard to separate it, and if she ignores that you feel achy and not good that’s not great of course, but it’s really hard to hate yourself into feeling good.
66bookssss
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@jlegette78 That’s such a great perspective! I love the way you put that 
jlegette78
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@66bookssss I wish you luck
@66bookssss If you enjoy your therapist and you still get a lot out of the relationship, maybe reframe the issue. Your therapist can't help you lose weight, only you/a dietician/a PT can do that. Your therapist can help you love you for you, and understand if your weight loss journey is becoming disordered. Use her for that aspect of your self improvement. And if that still doesn't work out reconsider the relationship.
As for how crappy it feels physically to be only a bit overweight when you have a small frame, I feel ya. I got bigger during my divorce. When I bump into people who haven't seen me in a while they're like, you look great, what did you do? And I'm like, I lost 20lb, and then they're all like well you weren't overweight before it must be something else. Nope, was overweight then, still a bit overweight now and every activity felt like a trial. So your feelings are valid.
As for how crappy it feels physically to be only a bit overweight when you have a small frame, I feel ya. I got bigger during my divorce. When I bump into people who haven't seen me in a while they're like, you look great, what did you do? And I'm like, I lost 20lb, and then they're all like well you weren't overweight before it must be something else. Nope, was overweight then, still a bit overweight now and every activity felt like a trial. So your feelings are valid.
66bookssss
New member
@66bookssss I think that the other commenters may have a point in that she probably meant well and was trying to say that you should accept yourself as you are while also pursing your goal to lose weight but it depends on how it was worded. That said, I completely get where you are coming from. Personally, if a therapist said that to me I'd interpret it the same way you have. It feels like you're being told to make excuses for the unhealthy habits that have gotten you to this place rather than being supported to change them and accept that you have to put in the work.
In my experience, therapists tend to use a blanket approach which obviously doesn't work for everyone so my advice would be to express this frustration with her at your next session. She probably didn't even realise you took what she said that way and will keep using the same approach unless you let her know that it doesn't work for you.
In my experience, therapists tend to use a blanket approach which obviously doesn't work for everyone so my advice would be to express this frustration with her at your next session. She probably didn't even realise you took what she said that way and will keep using the same approach unless you let her know that it doesn't work for you.
66bookssss
New member
@fatrabbit Thank you and I will message her and see what she says
@66bookssss From an outside perspective, it sounds like she wants you to stop focusing on losing.
I get that you're saying you don't feel well and you want to lose weight. She's not saying you can't lose weight or should stop what you're doing, but if you're only focusing on that aspect you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.
You can exercise and strengthen your body and not lose weight or size. Its possible you could strengthen your body and feel better, but be the same size or weight, and her point is you may have to accept the numbers you're seeing.
Shift your focus away from making those numbers go down or basing any feelings of success or failure away from the numbers.
I get that you're saying you don't feel well and you want to lose weight. She's not saying you can't lose weight or should stop what you're doing, but if you're only focusing on that aspect you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.
You can exercise and strengthen your body and not lose weight or size. Its possible you could strengthen your body and feel better, but be the same size or weight, and her point is you may have to accept the numbers you're seeing.
Shift your focus away from making those numbers go down or basing any feelings of success or failure away from the numbers.
66bookssss
New member
@66bookssss I genuinely wish you all the best in this. I know that for me personally, I had to frame my health journey as such to get through it mentally.
It'll be good to get this out and in the open, because you're frustrated and it may be hard for you to work through this specific issue with your therapist if you don't feel good about this or don't feel you are both on the same page. I would ask her specifically about your language, because in the original post you stated she felt like you were framing your size as something she wasn't seeing. There a disconnect between what you're saying and how she's understanding what you're saying, or possibly you're using stronger language than she's expecting...idk, but it'll be better if you can get through this. Good luck!
It'll be good to get this out and in the open, because you're frustrated and it may be hard for you to work through this specific issue with your therapist if you don't feel good about this or don't feel you are both on the same page. I would ask her specifically about your language, because in the original post you stated she felt like you were framing your size as something she wasn't seeing. There a disconnect between what you're saying and how she's understanding what you're saying, or possibly you're using stronger language than she's expecting...idk, but it'll be better if you can get through this. Good luck!
66bookssss
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charliechristians
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@66bookssss Size acceptance and self love to me are totally different. I don’t see a need to accept your size because then why would anyone change? Self love is needed always though.
Weight loss might not even be what you need for a body transformation.
Most of us actually want to lose body fat, not overall weight.
For me there is was a healthier way to stop restricting and to work towards having less body fat and a more skin body and that is putting on muscle and doing a reverse diet.
Spend 6mo-a year or more to build muscle and raise your metabolism to achieve your goal sustainably and this will help your body be able to burn more calories at rest. My maintenance cals went from 1200 to 1900 and am hanging out here and will increase more. I also went from 105 to 125lbs and my muscle has gone up and body fat has gone down and I look slimmer and have a bigger booty. Muscle is a lot smaller than fat so the more you have the more you weigh but the slimmer you get.
You can be 5” and 124lbs and look overweight with very little muscle while eating very little or 124lbs and slim with little body fat, a lot of muscle and eating a ton.
Also when women put on muscle most of us don’t become bulky like body builders. But this is def the path to slimming down without starvation restriction.
Reverse dieting is a long and slow process though that needs patience so having a supportive therapist through the process is important cause changes won’t be rapid so you will need to manage body image issues and prioritize strength over size until you fix your metabolism and gain enough muscle.
You also still might need to work heavily on self love which to me is different than size acceptance. I can love myself and still not be super happy with my body and am slowly and sustainably working towards my goal without feeling emotionally distressed by it all the time.
Weight loss might not even be what you need for a body transformation.
Most of us actually want to lose body fat, not overall weight.
For me there is was a healthier way to stop restricting and to work towards having less body fat and a more skin body and that is putting on muscle and doing a reverse diet.
Spend 6mo-a year or more to build muscle and raise your metabolism to achieve your goal sustainably and this will help your body be able to burn more calories at rest. My maintenance cals went from 1200 to 1900 and am hanging out here and will increase more. I also went from 105 to 125lbs and my muscle has gone up and body fat has gone down and I look slimmer and have a bigger booty. Muscle is a lot smaller than fat so the more you have the more you weigh but the slimmer you get.
You can be 5” and 124lbs and look overweight with very little muscle while eating very little or 124lbs and slim with little body fat, a lot of muscle and eating a ton.
Also when women put on muscle most of us don’t become bulky like body builders. But this is def the path to slimming down without starvation restriction.
Reverse dieting is a long and slow process though that needs patience so having a supportive therapist through the process is important cause changes won’t be rapid so you will need to manage body image issues and prioritize strength over size until you fix your metabolism and gain enough muscle.
You also still might need to work heavily on self love which to me is different than size acceptance. I can love myself and still not be super happy with my body and am slowly and sustainably working towards my goal without feeling emotionally distressed by it all the time.
66bookssss
New member
@charliechristians Thank you! I’m already quite muscular and I weight 195 lbs at 5’ 4”. I have reversed dieted sort of and I’m already at 2600-2800 calories a day. I’ve been eating well and exercising too. It’s great that you managed to reverse diet too because it’s honestly amazing!
In terms of self acceptance that’s where I find it hard to keep accepting myself the way I am because it doesn’t drive me to want to change my body. I do believe that looking at it from self love is a good idea though
In terms of self acceptance that’s where I find it hard to keep accepting myself the way I am because it doesn’t drive me to want to change my body. I do believe that looking at it from self love is a good idea though
charliechristians
New member
@66bookssss Oh Jesus you have done it all! GOOD FOR YOU! your metabolism is healed. I am still working on it clearly!
Personally if it were me I would try to discuss things with my therapist about how she is being invalidating, and how you have healed and broken old restricting habits because you are eating like a beast now. Maybe don’t say lose weight but that you want to do a body recomposition (might need to explain to her what that is). If she can’t be supportive on this it might be time to find someone else who can support you on your next leg of your journey.
After everything you have done you deserve to have the body you want in a healthy way while definitely keeping on working to love yourself every moment of everyday embracing the journey.
I once had a therapist who I believe had body image issues herself and so when I was talking about mine a lot of times she would say really in validating comments or just tell me oh it’s not that bad etc etc. therapists are human too after all.
It sounds like right now you need a coach or trainer as well to help you specifically navigate this fitness challenge in a healthy way. A dexa scan also would be useful to see how much muscle you have and if you should be still focusing on building more or not.
Personally if it were me I would try to discuss things with my therapist about how she is being invalidating, and how you have healed and broken old restricting habits because you are eating like a beast now. Maybe don’t say lose weight but that you want to do a body recomposition (might need to explain to her what that is). If she can’t be supportive on this it might be time to find someone else who can support you on your next leg of your journey.
After everything you have done you deserve to have the body you want in a healthy way while definitely keeping on working to love yourself every moment of everyday embracing the journey.
I once had a therapist who I believe had body image issues herself and so when I was talking about mine a lot of times she would say really in validating comments or just tell me oh it’s not that bad etc etc. therapists are human too after all.
It sounds like right now you need a coach or trainer as well to help you specifically navigate this fitness challenge in a healthy way. A dexa scan also would be useful to see how much muscle you have and if you should be still focusing on building more or not.
@66bookssss I’m sorry to say but it sounds like your therapist gave good advice, sometimes therapy does come with friction and tough love - Speaking as someone who has dealt with an ED for over a decade. Becoming comfortable with yourself at a bigger size doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have to stay this size, but it can free you of your emotional connection towards food and your body which makes it easier and mentally healthier to approach weight loss at a later time. In the unlikely event of you having to stay this size forever, what are non-weight loss related health goals? Would you want to exercise more to feel good? Eat more vegetables for the nutrients? Etc. /Feeling/ heavy and puffy is different than actually /being/, part of this does sound like an emotional reaction. Maybe this is where you start to put a different spin on how you approach your goals, rather than weight loss being the sole focus maybe you look for health. Adding nutrient dense foods and finding movements that make you feel happy, rather than burning the most calories.
Trust me, I get it. I’m still dealing with an eating disorder and it is HARD, but your therapist sounds like they’re trying to help, and I hope you do find food and body freedom at some point.
Trust me, I get it. I’m still dealing with an eating disorder and it is HARD, but your therapist sounds like they’re trying to help, and I hope you do find food and body freedom at some point.
66bookssss
New member
@66bookssss This is so me. It’s not my therapist but most everyone in my life. I also carry my weight well and people think I weigh way less than I do. But my body knows and I know it’s not ideal for my health. Also, I feel claustrophobic and when I’ve been thinner my body just feels so much comfier to live in. Even just sitting is comfier. Clothes are comfier. It’s comfort for me. Sure I prefer the aesthetics of being slim too, but the comfort level is the thing I miss most when I’m overweight. I just want to lose 15-20, and no one in my life gets it. I get eye rolls.
The only supportive person is my husband because he knows and see how emotional and distressed I get sometimes when I’m trying to find something to wear or just physically uncomfortable.
You’re completely valid and wanting to optimize your life, your body, your comfort, and health are all valid and worthy pursuits.
I understand self love and self care is important, but to me part of loving and caring about and for myself, is do what will maximize comfort and health.
The only supportive person is my husband because he knows and see how emotional and distressed I get sometimes when I’m trying to find something to wear or just physically uncomfortable.
You’re completely valid and wanting to optimize your life, your body, your comfort, and health are all valid and worthy pursuits.
I understand self love and self care is important, but to me part of loving and caring about and for myself, is do what will maximize comfort and health.