Therapist wants me to accept myself at a bigger size
- Thread starter 66bookssss
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- petite fitness rant
keneyhector
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@66bookssss I can’t see so it’s tough to said. You psychologists is for the mind but not for the body. Having a fews pounds over is not so bad, keep training. But health is important and can have an influence on the psychological. I know a guy who is close to 400lbs and it is clearly making him sick mentally and physically. I suggest you to love yourself and to keep training the body and showing some pictures of the results here. You are probably going to have a fews good advices.
promisespromises
New member
@66bookssss I have read your other comments and it seems like you're being realistic in your weight loss plan. I also agree complacency is not helpful. Over the past few months, I got into a habit of stress-eating and didn't even notice I gained eight pounds until I went in for a wellness check-up.
I worked really hard to lose all my pregnancy weight and, even though I'm still relatively healthy (Size 8 UK/4 US), I'm now on the higher end of my BMI range and started cutting calories again.
My only push-back is I believe your therapist is trying to give you a more positive body image. She probably thinks you're putting too much importance on losing twenty pounds, and I'm sure she is worried you'll slip back into habits from when you had an ED.
Regardless, I do think you have a good head on your shoulders and wish you the best of luck! In the long-run, twenty pounds is nothing.
I worked really hard to lose all my pregnancy weight and, even though I'm still relatively healthy (Size 8 UK/4 US), I'm now on the higher end of my BMI range and started cutting calories again.
My only push-back is I believe your therapist is trying to give you a more positive body image. She probably thinks you're putting too much importance on losing twenty pounds, and I'm sure she is worried you'll slip back into habits from when you had an ED.
Regardless, I do think you have a good head on your shoulders and wish you the best of luck! In the long-run, twenty pounds is nothing.
66bookssss
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@promisespromises Thank you I have a good plan in place and I think she was trying to protect me but her approach wasn’t helpful
speakagainstinjustice
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@66bookssss As a therapist, I have to say, walking the tightrope of helping someone have compassion/love for their body at any size while also supporting someone in making efforts to do any physical work on their body is extremely difficult. If it’s ever confusing to you why your therapist would start with helping you love yourself as you are, imagine what it would do/feel like if they started with “no, you’re totally right, you should lose weight.” It goes against everything we’re trying to do to a) tell someone our opinion of how they should live and b) give them our judgment that they “should” do something that then will perpetually stand between us and the client when the client inevitably can’t do the thing.
Validating your agency over your body is one thing, but has to come after you have a healthy dose of respect and love for your body as it is in any form.
Validating your agency over your body is one thing, but has to come after you have a healthy dose of respect and love for your body as it is in any form.
@66bookssss I am in the exact same situation! My partner likes how I look and doesn't understand why I would want to lose weight. I might look "normal", but I don't fit into any of my favorite clothes anymore, I don't feel comfortable in my body (in a literal sense too, the extra padding makes me sweat faster, it's tougher to find a comfortable sitting/lying position, my body aches a lot), and I miss having more mobility and stamina.
Though, stressing out about my situation never helped me change it. In fact, it was in times that I was the most focused on doing fun exercises and eating (tasty) healthy foods without focusing on an end goal that I lost the most weight and felt the best.
So maybe her not enouraging you might actually be better in the long run. To keep you from focusing on the end goal of losing weight and, instead, finding joy in the process of achieving that goal and maintaining a healthy body (even if others don't understand why it matters so much for people like us).
Though, stressing out about my situation never helped me change it. In fact, it was in times that I was the most focused on doing fun exercises and eating (tasty) healthy foods without focusing on an end goal that I lost the most weight and felt the best.
So maybe her not enouraging you might actually be better in the long run. To keep you from focusing on the end goal of losing weight and, instead, finding joy in the process of achieving that goal and maintaining a healthy body (even if others don't understand why it matters so much for people like us).
66bookssss
New member
@66bookssss I mean, I realized I had to accept myself so I could learn to love myself enough to make the changes I needed to make. Maybe that's not how she was expressing it, but in a weird way that's what helped me. If it seems like the wrong therapist for you though, that's okay and you can find another.
benjaminhu
New member
@66bookssss actually stress can play a big factor on losing weight. I gained more weight while stressed. then I stopped/gave up and I lost a bit when doing the exact same thing
@66bookssss So, I’m going to tell you what I needed to hear when I found myself in a similar situation. You won’t like my tone, you won’t like my attitude, and you sure as fuck won’t like what I have to say. But sometimes tough love and harsh words are the only thing that can get through to people. Telling you what you want to hear won’t make it better, and it won’t be helpful.
To me it sounds like you’re asking for permission to lose weight, or want your therapist to agree that you’re fat so you can justify to yourself WHY you need to lose weight. She told you the truth, you don’t need to lose weight in order to love yourself and be content with life, or to be healthy even. You’re a grown woman, you don’t need anyone’s permission to go and change your lifestyle, but you seem to want validation on your feelings about your own body from your therapist and now from strangers on the internet. What exactly did you want her to tell you? “Oh yeah girl, you’re HUGE, go eat a carrot and run 10k!” What do you want us to tell you? “Oh you still have 20-25 lbs to lose?? Gross. Go do it!!”
What do you REALLY want? Because none of those things will benefit you and I can see how it would be a downward spiral back into the ED. I’m telling you this as a woman who has also suffered from an ED for the past 15 years. I am also 20-25 lbs heavier than I’d like. I eat healthy foods and have a rather active lifestyle, but I still have a voice in my head telling me that it’s not enough and finding ways to justify to myself why restricting would be a super awesome idea. Even if I don’t do it, the thoughts are there. Remember, an ED is not just a physical ailment, it’s a psychological one. You need to analyze why you feel the need to be told you’re fat from other people. Don’t come and say, “oh well, my body hurts from this weight!” Because it’s you also trying to give us a reason to tell you that you NEED to lose weight.
To me it sounds like you’re asking for permission to lose weight, or want your therapist to agree that you’re fat so you can justify to yourself WHY you need to lose weight. She told you the truth, you don’t need to lose weight in order to love yourself and be content with life, or to be healthy even. You’re a grown woman, you don’t need anyone’s permission to go and change your lifestyle, but you seem to want validation on your feelings about your own body from your therapist and now from strangers on the internet. What exactly did you want her to tell you? “Oh yeah girl, you’re HUGE, go eat a carrot and run 10k!” What do you want us to tell you? “Oh you still have 20-25 lbs to lose?? Gross. Go do it!!”
What do you REALLY want? Because none of those things will benefit you and I can see how it would be a downward spiral back into the ED. I’m telling you this as a woman who has also suffered from an ED for the past 15 years. I am also 20-25 lbs heavier than I’d like. I eat healthy foods and have a rather active lifestyle, but I still have a voice in my head telling me that it’s not enough and finding ways to justify to myself why restricting would be a super awesome idea. Even if I don’t do it, the thoughts are there. Remember, an ED is not just a physical ailment, it’s a psychological one. You need to analyze why you feel the need to be told you’re fat from other people. Don’t come and say, “oh well, my body hurts from this weight!” Because it’s you also trying to give us a reason to tell you that you NEED to lose weight.
66bookssss
New member
@wavering I’ve tried to ignore the weight loss though and it’s catching up to me. My pcos has gotten worse and I’m at the point where I NEED to lose this weight. I’m 5’ 4” and I used to be 150 lbs and now I’m close to 200 lbs and it’s affecting my quality of life. This isn’t my ED speaking because I want to LOOK AFTER my body. I don’t want to restrict. This isn’t about looks but about my HEALTH. And I’ve been this weight for TWO years.
@66bookssss So, she’s a little off. But I agree accepting your size is actually very helpful to being healthier/losing weight.
I would say I’m about 50 lbs over weight, after losing 10 lbs. I had a baby and I’m still higher than my highest pre baby. I was able to accept a couple months ago that this is my current size. I bought clothes that fit me instead of living in sweats or clothes that are too tight.
Feeling better has boosted my confidence, I’m not over eating to give a “quick boost” when I feel bad anymore.
I’m far more focused on eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I’m full now. I’m slowly losing weight, like 2-2.5 lbs a month. But I’m hoping this is sustainable and means I won’t be constantly fueling with junk because I’m not eating during the day.
Also, not every therapist is good. I had a therapist tell me I would be bored to death when I had my baby, and there was no reason to be sad if I had to return to work after 6 weeks. This was SO invalidating. I stopped seeing her after that visit.
I would say I’m about 50 lbs over weight, after losing 10 lbs. I had a baby and I’m still higher than my highest pre baby. I was able to accept a couple months ago that this is my current size. I bought clothes that fit me instead of living in sweats or clothes that are too tight.
Feeling better has boosted my confidence, I’m not over eating to give a “quick boost” when I feel bad anymore.
I’m far more focused on eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I’m full now. I’m slowly losing weight, like 2-2.5 lbs a month. But I’m hoping this is sustainable and means I won’t be constantly fueling with junk because I’m not eating during the day.
Also, not every therapist is good. I had a therapist tell me I would be bored to death when I had my baby, and there was no reason to be sad if I had to return to work after 6 weeks. This was SO invalidating. I stopped seeing her after that visit.
@66bookssss I am in the EXACT same boat- I gained about 20 pounds after covid and just dont feel as confident as I used to- also now a size 10/12. I've been struggling for the past few years to lose the weight. I think there is a balance between acceptance and also a desire to get back to where we were. For me- that looks like not being so hard on myself for having gained weight and accepting that this is what I look like in this moment in time and that's okay, so there's no need to hate it, but also allowing myself to work on the things that I'd like to improve, like getting stronger and more fit and eating healthier. My therapist says there is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight or look a certain way etc. regardless of how you compare to others, but to give yourself grace and compassion and love yourself at every size/stage of life that you are in (if that makes sense!)
66bookssss
New member
cocola2803
New member
@66bookssss I truly believe this HAES and body positivity shit has gotten out of hand to the point people are just lying to themselves and other people. If you know you need to lose weight, you should do it. Therapist should encourage you to do it in a healthy way, guide you thru the process and make sure your mindset is healthy in the process. You are valid in your thoughts, your therapist needs to be a little more realistic.
66bookssss
New member
@cocola2803 My thoughts exactly! Thank you for understanding 
cocola2803
New member
@66bookssss Of course! Good luck on your journey 
ritastrakosha
New member
@66bookssss They are not a dietician. Their purpose as a therapist is to help you accept where you are in your current state, especially considering that you have a history of disordered eating.
You can accept where you are and still lose weight. She is trying to help you work through any internal shame or negative motivations
You can accept where you are and still lose weight. She is trying to help you work through any internal shame or negative motivations
66bookssss
New member
@ritastrakosha That’s okay but at first she wasn’t supporting me in wanting to lose weight in the first place. I know she’s not a dietician and I never thought she was 
@66bookssss I think what she said and what you heard may not have been lining up. Talk to her about it. It’s important to love our bodies at any size (not always the easiest i know) but you can love your body and accept and want to get healthier. If you have a history of ED id definitely be careful counting calories. It doesn’t sound like she was saying you can’t lose weight or get in shape it sounds like she was asking you to work on loving and accepting your body as it is now. They’re two different things. Chat more with her about it. I’ve run into this before now. When I’ve gained weight and not felt at home in my body ive had people say stuff like that to me too and i also felt very frustrated. Like excuse me this doesnt feel like MY body stop telling me its going to stay this way and get used to it. Nope! But im working on loving and accepting my body as it is now while also working on getting back in shape. For myself, I’ve realized even though I want to lose weight my focus has to be getting back in shape not weight loss. Because its more tangible and controllable in a healthy way for me personally. As someone who very lightly struggled with mild anorexia as a teen I’ve realized calorie counting is not going to be an acceptable route for me. I will get obsessive. It will not be healthy. So I’m taking a different approach. Just find what works for you and set SMART goals or at the very least goals with factors you can control. And def talk to her about it! Especially if she’s been great otherwise.