Best shape of my life at 41, but daily life/work balance is slowly killing me

[sarahsanrio]

TL;DR - I'm in best physical shape of my life, but lack of sleep and other social/work/physical factors (like low T) make it difficult to balance my current lifestyle, and being fit.

The point of this thread is for advice/critique and maybe some criticism (be gentle w me please, i'm tired ok?) about my lifestyle and fitness impact. Long, but wanted to throw it all out there, so apologies if long winded. ;-)

ME: 41/M, 5'10'' #175. Don't smoke, sometimes have a drink on the weekend, or having friends over. Started VERY lightly trying thc/cbd products for health benefits, not to get high/messed up. Diet isn't anything to write home about, but I try to eat whole grain/organic food when able/afford. Trying to snack on healthy things like nuts/carrots or something like greek yogurt when sweet tooth kicks in. I know I do not get enough greens or protein daily from natural foods. Supplementing with PureWhey Protein powder shakes daily:

First thing, is i'm not pointing the finger at fitness/working out as a problem/cause for anything negative. If anything, it's been a great impact for my strength and self confidence, as well as the secondary effect of making my wife turn into a gym rat and become the fittest she has been in her life. She gets oogled constantly by guys wherever we go, and in the gym is either complimented by women constantly on her physique, or gets those "you b*tch, why don't I look like you?" type stares. ;-) lol.

Fitness/physical background: Have always been skinny/average my whole life. Started working out just to maintain healthy shape/weight in my 20's, but never to gain mass/muscle. In my late 30's we started working out 2-3 days a week about 90% from home following T-25/Insanity type programs. Got a little bit more fit but nothing anyone would see you and go "Hey, you're looking pretty fit!" Wife and I enjoyed it but she wanted more and joined a gym and started taking group classes and fell in love with fitness/exercise at that point. She bugged me constantly to join her, but I always felt like I wasn't ready or in shape enough for the classes. I watched her excellent growth/gains and was proud of her, but made me feel even more lacking. About 3yrs into her being a workout fiend, she and friends convinced me to join about 1.5yrs ago and i've been hooked on going to workout classes with her/them. Still not loving just going to the gym for lifting/cardio machines/etc, but I love the classes... I have some V tapering around my waist, definition to my arms/shoulder/chest, veins popping out that my wife loves to see, outline of abs coming through and in class i'm usually doing the most difficult option of a movement/lift, or altering something to make it harder. (like jumping platform squats, but grab a medicine ball for additional challenge)

On the addition to that, I have a very sedentary desk jockey job and have been on low T therapy for about 5 years for energy/fatigue/low libido,aging. Having this also recently combined with seeing an endocrinologist to make sure my dosage/results are within normal range. Good results but nothing crazy like "OMG!! I feel like i'm 15 and waking up with morning wood everyday!?!" Have more energy and less mood swings on T therapy so improvement overall. (still no morning wood, lol. Still can't figure out how the other posts I read from T therapy men all seem to say they're walking horny boners with legs....)

Daily routine: Wake up at 5:30am - I have a one hour commute to work. Usually borderline falling asleep driving in 5mph rush hour. 8hrs later, drive home usually takes another hour or more.

Get home and take wife n kids to the gym. I go Monday thru Thursday and generally ONLY do group classes. They total between 1-2hrs a day on avg. (Split between classes of either:HIIT circuit+kettlebell, Cardio+core, les mills strength or a cardio/conditioning boxing class) I take ON Amino Energy before the gym which is probably the only thing keeping me able to make it through it/awake.

My fitness goals are to be more defined/cut and maybe increase weight to about #180, but i'd be totally happy at #175 and more cut. Don't care about being swole, I already get compliments from people who i've worked with last 5 years asking me about my working out. (but it has been a very slow progression so alot of people don't even notice)

After gym, go home, have dinner w family, put kids to sleep (barely time to interact with them besides talking and bedtime story) then house chores and possibly unwind with 30min-1hr of TV with wife, but usually chores/prep kids lunches for next day, random night errands and such. Generally i'm ready for bed about midnight. If we both don't pass out on the couch hanging out, we might get a little romantic, but that usually is reserved for weekends. (because of my energy/ability to stay awake/function. She would be happy for intimacy every other day, if not daily. I just don't have the drive/ability to be cognizant by the time bedtime rolls around 80% of the time. Viagra helps, but what's the point when you can't stay awake or want to do more physically...)

Getting 5.5 hrs of sleep on avg weekdays for the last 2yrs. Sometimes I can hit 8 on weekend, but usually 7 if i'm lucky. Weekend is about the only time I get to do "family" stuff with kids and wife, besides drives to/from the gym and dinner. But we usually spend the entire weekend together, though I do enjoy "me" time, but I rarely get it anymore...

I understand my body internally is probably a wreck due to horrible sleep schedule and growing stress from work. I feel like i'm just waiting for a heart attack or stroke outta nowhere because why not when you get 3hrs less than the recommended hourly sleep everyday for the last 2+years on average?? I could change my works schedule to start 30min later, but traffic is even worse then, and I won't be able to arrive home in time for my classes, and then i'm on my own to working out again, or attempting to find something else. But like I said, i've made friends here and all the instructors know me and i'm one of the "regulars" now, instead of random people that come to try it out.

Anyway, let me know what recommendations you have for making some improvements to health/lifetstyle and my fitness. Yes, I know you can say "Sleep more damnit!" but like I explained, it's not a question of not wanting to or can't fall asleep... At least I never ever have insomnia, and can fall asleep pretty much anytime I can. (it's waking up that's the hard part)

 

[chrisjohnson31]

@sarahsanrio Up at 5:30 means bed at 9:30. No way around it.

 

[kingal86]

@chrisjohnson31 yup if always tired at 5.5 hrs you need more, that's it. Some people can do that and aren't tired, most people can't. I need 8-9 to feel normal and get noticeably worse in all aspects of life after even a few days in a row of going under 7 hours.

 

[dawn16]

@sarahsanrio

If we both don't pass out on the couch hanging out, we might get a little romantic, but that usually is reserved for weekends. (because of my energy/ability to stay awake/function. She would be happy for intimacy every other day, if not daily. I just don't have the drive/ability to be cognizant by the time bedtime rolls around 80% of the time. Viagra helps, but what's the point when you can't stay awake or want to do more physically...)

If I had a hobby that got in the way of banging my wife, I would drop that hobby.

Everyone gets the same 24 hours.

My rough napkin math says you get home at ~3:30 ~5:00 every day. What do you do for the next 7 hours?

1-2 hours at the gym. Dinner is an hour. Getting the kids to bed is an hour.

I'm just trying to figure out why you stay up so late, given that you know you have to wake up early every weekday.

EDIT: fixed my own shoddy math.

 

[dawn16]

I cannot second all of this hard enough.

 

[sarahsanrio]

@dawn16 Thanks for the reponse! To clarify my schedule more:

I don't usually leave at 4pm on the dot to head home because random work support/calls. I usually get home about 5-5:30, change into gym clothes/drink preworkout energy drink. Gym classes from 6pm-7:30/8:00pm. Get home around 8ish, shower/or help prep dinner. Help kids clean up/do homework. Usually done with dinner around 9pm, kids usually down in bed between 930-10pm. Clean up kitchen, do laundry/house clean, pack up kid snack and lunches for school the next day. Take the dog out for last pee of the night.

By then it's usually around 11pm-ish and then MAYBE I can stop and sit and talk with wife, or watch 30min of some show we like, or if we are both in the mood, get physical. But like I said, it seems to almost be a punishment to stay up to enjoy "social life" when it hurts me the next morning. Sometimes we end up in bed after midnight and decide to get busy and next thing I see the clock is after 1am....doing my husband duties to keep her happy but i'm a wreck the next day at work for obvious reasons.

Example last night: was done w house crap at 11:30pm. Wife was on the couch working on some of her classroom prep for tomorrow. She wanted me to spend time with her and discuss some upcoming trip plans and such but i'm just done for the day... Talked for a few and climbed into bed exactly at midnight. Alarm started going off a 5:35, but slept through it till 6:15...ran like hell around the house to get out the door and made it to work exactly at 7am...(good traffic actually, usually 45min-1hr commute)

You said " If I had a hobby that got in the way of banging my wife, I would drop that hobby. " Um...I guess commuting is my hobby? lol. I don't even have time for my own likes which is gaming/reading (usually in bed) I like to play on my Switch but usually pass out trying to play it in bed at night, so idk the last time I finished a game.

I don't know what else I can do to streamline my nights. My kids are not 100% self sufficient yet and at the age that requires constant nagging/pushing to get anything done/eat your dinner/brush your teeth/etc. It sucks to think about sacrificing the gym because at my age, i've noticed it is harder to gain/maintain what I have, and i'm reluctant to slide down into the usual "dad bod" physique, after being so dedicated the last year or so into this lifestyle....

I'm ready to change job/career paths if I can get something better and closer commute or possible option to remote X days from home. (IT/software tech based field, but company refuses to let non-client facing or non-manager staff remote from home, when I can do 100% of my job from home on my own cell and work laptop/VPN connection...)

 

[teekaydee]

@sarahsanrio

Help kids clean up/do homework. Usually done with dinner around 9pm, kids usually down in bed between 930-10pm. Clean up kitchen, do laundry/house clean, pack up kid snack and lunches for school the next day. Take the dog out for last pee of the night.

Just curious, doesn't your wife do some of that housework? Sounds like you're working hard all day and then coming home to housework.

 

[sarahsanrio]

@teekaydee She actually does the majority of tasks. I cannot fault her at that as she is way more chore proactive than I am. (and also gets annoyed at clutter/dirty things way earlier than I do)

She works part time, but also does chores, does most of driving errands, and shuttles the kids to and from places like school and their extracurricular activities. Oh and she cooks probably 80% of the meals we eat at home, because #1. I am horrible at cooking in general and #2. I prepare meals very slowly. (bad at multitasking food prep/cook/plating....lol

 

[andrewm12]

@sarahsanrio Build a home gym, or in the very least get some kettlebells and maybe a TRX so that you can do at least some of your workouts at home which will save you time vs hitting an actual gym.

Focus on making more time for sleep. Without more sleep no amount of healthy eating or fitness will help.

 

[sarahsanrio]

@andrewm12 I agree that would be nice to have a home gym. Thing is gym is 10min from my house, so if I wanted to do the class that precedes the kettle bell class, and head home to do that from home, it's almost moot at that point by the time I get setup and such.

I'm hoping in a few months that we can get rid of the guest bed we have in the spare room, and I can put a bench and barbell/dumbells in there to supplement the gym workout. But that's not an immediate change/help of course.

But yes, I would love more sleep. I don't know what else I can cut out to get more sleep. Never talking or trying to have some kind of verbal/physical proximity relationship with my wife except on the weekends, and rely on lunchtime generic text messages? She would never accept this. She desires me to interact with and listen to her everyday, and I totally understand and should be there for her and this is also suffering due to night routine having zero available time left for us. Much to her annoyance, I find myself falling asleep during a conversation with her, even if i'm interested in what she's discussing with me.

Same thing with weekday intimacy life. If I go to bed, and she comes up like 12:30am or so after she's done with her night prep stuff/finally de-stressing from the day and is in the mood, (oh, she has to get to work like 2hrs later than me but does have the kids morning/school drop off routine also) then i'm 90% generally unable to wake up or in a fog too deep to get turned on by her....zzz. (and she is smokin hot...perfect @ss and a visible 6 pack abs)

So then i'm still tired but now she feels rejected and unwanted, so either way you slice it, it hurts us in both cases.... :-(

 

[andrewm12]

@sarahsanrio My suggestion is ditch the gym completely. Even 10min there and back is time you seem not to have. Also there is the time it takes to get around the gym and the extra time of a group class. You are wasting time you don't have with the group classes.

There are ways to streamline your exercise that would give you more bang for your buck. You could very easily just have a couple kettlebells at home and kick out Pavel's Simple & Sinister Routine in 30 minutes. 3-4 days a week with S&S is honestly all you really need. You can get a TRX or do some additional bodyweight work for some exercise variation if you want.

 

[dawn16]

@andrewm12 This is a great answer. Some kind of body weight fitness routine would be great for OP, and get him similar results.

 

[meganjo]

@sarahsanrio Your workout and sleep/recovery isn't sustainable because you just have too much else going on. I suspect if you dialed back the exercise and slept more, you'd see more results. Could you aim for one hour, three times a week, or build a home gym?

In my experience, age and responsibilities mean that recovery is harder, and that I have to focus on efficient workouts rather than volume.

 

[sarahsanrio]

@meganjo Wife is adamant about not wanting a home gym. (besides some dumbells/pullup bar/riser step we have) I could try to cut back on the gym or take a day off and do Saturday. (but I hate the idea of early AM class on saturday because that's the most opportunity to sleep in a catch up...even though the wife really hates me doing that when kids are up and vegetating in front of the tv) The only real con to that is her schedule/routine won't change. So if i'm done with everything and ready for bed at 10:30, she won't be and would be ready to spend time with me and unwind, etc. Guess it would be a win in the sleep dept, lose in the satisfied spouse dept. :-/

 

[dawn16]

@sarahsanrio How old are your kids? Why do they go to bed so late? 9:30-10 is really, really late for little ones. Are they older than 10? What time does everyone wake up? You all sound horribly sleep deprived to me to be honest. If you have little ones are they napping? Does your wife nap? I'm just a bit amazed at how you guys manage to exercise at all. Why doesn't she want a home gym? Can you find a gym with a kid area that both of you can go together on Sat/Sun and maybe once during the week? Have you considered working out in the am instead? What is the morning routine?

 

[dawn16]

Another thought- what about getting a standing desk at work? Also, what about trying to find a gym close to work where you can go in the AM or at lunchtime a couple times a week? Can you eat lunch at your desk to make up the time? As a woman, I always envied men who are able to work out at lunch time, quick shower and back into dress clothes without having to spend time on hair and makeup...

 

[sarahsanrio]

@dawn16 They are both under 10. They don't nap anymore but occasionally will do a 20-30min snooze in the car when doing errands or driving home from some activity on the weekend. Wife never naps, but she is younger than me so maybe age gives her a boost. I would be ok removing say tuesday class, to stay home and prep dinner/do some chores in order for the family to get to bed early.

There is a gym we can go to on Sat that has a really nice kids center with huge climbing jungle gym/obstacle course thing, and sometimes I join her there. But often I try to sleep in because she likes to head out there around 8ish, while i'm still trying to get my 8hrs in to make up for the 6hr sleep work week.

There is a sister gym about 15min from my work, but that only gives me 30min to work out, including warming up. And that's not counting time needed showering off and getting back into dress clothes. Looking into options in the area, but will have to consider more spending to join a different gym.

 

[dawn16]

@sarahsanrio If they are under 10, but that young, they can start making their own lunches. You can buy some easy to pack items and they can make their own sandwiches at night or in the a.m. If they are too lazy to pack a lunch they can eat school lunch. I'd buy some low fat chips, string cheese, apples/oranges, yogurts, ect.. whatever is easy to throw together with a sandwich. There is no reason Mom and Dad need to pack lunches for 10 year olds or anyone over the age of 5 for that matter.

Why don't you hit the sister gym in the early A.M. so you can get up and drive directly there with pre workout shake in the car, shower and dress and go to work. Come home, dump clothes directly into washing machine.

Kids under 10 really need to be getting at least 9 good hours a night, more if possible, esp. when there is no napping time (car really isn't very reliable or sound sleep so I would not count that much). Your wife may just be younger or just run on less sleep. There are people who can run on 5-6 hours a night and those who cannot. I cannot. Some of our founding fathers apparently could run on little to no sleep but most humans don't work that way. She will have to understand.

It sounds to me like you guys need some better and more set routines for the kids. 10 year olds or close to it should not need frequent reminders to do their basic washing. They are coming to the age that if they aren't doing a good job washing or brushing their teeth their peers are going to be letting them know it. Time for Mom and Dad to sit them down and get them some routines in place to help them build self confidence and abilities (like lunch packing time and helping with dishes/trash and pet walking and feeding).

 

[vinnynix]

@dawn16 Agree with all of this. I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old, their bedtimes are 8 PM, maybe 8:30 at the absolute latest. They both are capable of soaping themselves with a washcloth, and also towel drying themselves (the little one still needs help dressing though.) They eat breakfast at home but get school lunches otherwise. And we do r/MealPrepSunday in our house, so breakfast burritos, muffins and so on are ready to go with little effort during the week.

This whole thing boils down to poor time management, seems like.

 

[shirl]

@sarahsanrio There's some scheduling things you could easily work on to help yourself out a bit. If you are going to the gym 4 times a week, why are you doing all these times on work days? Bump a couple of those to Saturday and Sunday. Also, stop making lunches for your kids. Let them eat at school. If you are worried about school lunches being less healthy, I can guarantee you getting 5 hours of sleep a night is doing worse things for your health than the school lunches ever will for theirs.

As for the time you spend in the gym, you may want to look at what really gives you the most bang for your buck. Buck of course in this case being your time not your money. Heavy compound lifts are always going to produce more results per minute than anything else you could be doing in there. Once I retired from the military and wasn't getting paid to workout anymore, I started scaling things back trying to find out exactly what I had to do just to simply maintain the muscle mass I already had. Turns out, one workout a week is all I need. But there's no messing around with curls and tricep extensions and stuff like that. Heavy weight and compound lifts only. Then on the weekend some hill sprints, push ups, and pull ups.